SE7EN

Timpane's picture

Today is my wedding anniversary. Seven years. It doesn't seem like I'm old eneough to be married seven years, but somehow, I have been.

Happily, too. The weird thing is that I have friends who have actually expressed a certain jealousy for how happy we are, but we are. Its really quite cool.

SO.. here it is, TEN RULES FOR BEING A GOOD HUSBAND

1) DONT DO THE OBVIOUS BAD THINGS. This means cheating and hitting. Not even once. Never threaten violence of any kind, and never threaten infidelity.

2) Never go to bed angry. Resolve the matter before you go to sleep.

3) Date night, once a week. Preferably out of the house, but in if it needs to be.

4) Be free with compliments. Look for things to say, and keep track of them in your head. If its been a while, compliment her, and try to make it specific. "You're pretty" is nice, but you look fantastic in that outfit, or "your hair is great" is even better

5) Establish rules and follow them. For us, screaming, cursing, name calling, or statements like "You always do.." are against the rules. Even if you were right in your point in the argument, if you break a rule, its over and you surrender.

6) Say I'm Sorry. Man this is hard, but it goes a long way. Even for little things, being 5 minutes late.

7) Say thank you, and again, be specific. "Dinner was great" or "Thanks for doing (whatever), I appreciate it", again goes a really long way.

8) Let her spend some money. You see that stereo and TV and computer? I know we don't see things like a new outfit or a haircut or new makeup as important, but it might be to her. We'll never understand a 50 dollar pair of shoes, but then, look at the junk we like to collect.

9) Ask her about her day.. and ask her how specific sagas are going. And listen, take mental notes, and come back to those specifics later.

10) Look for opportunities.. roses, candy, cards. it may all be cliche, but I still get mileage out of the good old 1.99 7-11 rose, or a box of donuts delivered to her work.

And thats all, I could list a hundred more, but the point is that you should love someone. And notice that Love is a verb, not an adjective or noun like other emotions. It is not something you feel, its something you do.

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Andrea's picture

If more men thought like you,

If more men thought like you, there would be fewer divorces.

Timpane's picture

Many thanks..

Part of the trick is to realize that we don't think like me.. heck, usually I don't even think like me.. that's why its a good idea to have a set of guiding principles that make the sort of things that are not so obvious to us guys more obvious.

(Don;t tell Matt, Sam, Jon, or Paul, but even when I really have to force myself to do some of these things- like the date or letting her spend money, or saying thank you- I find I enjoy doing them once I am. It majes me feel good too, but let it be our secret.)

NVZ: NINJAS VS ZOMBIES - THE MOVIE - www.nvzmovie.com
THE OFFICIAL JUSTIN TIMPANE WEBSITE - www.timpane.com

matthew's picture

Agree with all but number 2

I have to agree with everything but number two. The "don't go to bed angry" thing is total tripe. If you don't go to bed angry from time to time, you'll just make things worse. I've found that most people think much more clearly when we're wide-awake. Making decisions in anger late at night after you've had a "discussion" can just make things worse.

Go to bed angry if you need to, but with a promise to one another to discuss whatever was the matter in the light of day, when you are both rested, clear-headed, and able to come to rational decisions.

And, if possible, try to make sure you simply don't get angry with each other at night. Even if you follow the very common advice in number 2, your married life is much easier if you pick a better time to get mad than right before you'd normally go to bed :)

--
Matthew P. Barnson

--
Matthew P. Barnson

JB's picture

Like a plant....

Marriage is like a plant... If you don't pay attention to it and neglect it, it will not do well. If you have neglected it and then come to your senses, you can nurish it and revive it.



One rule that i think deserves mention is to take time for yourself. This will greatly reduce the stress in life which will greatly reduce friction in a marriage.



Have a great day... arghh wintery mix...



~Jon~

Timpane's picture

Agreed

Time to yourself is important, and I find I get along better with kelly when I do that.

NVZ: NINJAS VS ZOMBIES - THE MOVIE - www.nvzmovie.com
THE OFFICIAL JUSTIN TIMPANE WEBSITE - www.timpane.com

Timpane's picture

I'm going to have to disagree wholeheartedly

The don't go to bed angry thin is FAR from total tripe, respectfully.

As someone who has watched marriages founder and fail, and even one really close - firsthand - I can tell you that the whole going to bed angry thing leads to resentment..

it works like this. You go to bed angry, and when you wake up it doesn;t seem that bad.. so you don;t really give it the time it needs for discussion.. and it gets swept under the emotional rug. Then, the next time, one person goes to bed angry and the other stays up upset and silent.. you can't sleep closely, you have to maintain a distance.. then it becomes easier to go to bed angry, so you do, less acute trouble, more stuff under the rug, finally you find yourself in a situation where it is an easy escape route.. and resentment grows.

I do agree though, that sometimes it is wise to have a thicker skin at night. Better to not get angry then. That's why I like to make the last hour or two nice and quiet, no business talk allowed.

And I give good foot massages.. that should be like number 11.

NVZ: NINJAS VS ZOMBIES - THE MOVIE - www.nvzmovie.com
THE OFFICIAL JUSTIN TIMPANE WEBSITE - www.timpane.com

JB's picture

The only problem with that...

We try not to argue at night. The only issue i see with that is we have kids, and try not to have discussions that will lead to argueing in front of them. This does not always happen, but most of the time we try. So to say that the last couple of the hours of the night are quiet time is ok sometimes, but this is also the time that is available to us to discuss without having to worry about what the kids are hearing.



I can say that the going to bed mad should be more of a guideline than an actual rule. (he he.. Pirates of the Carribean just popped into my head) My dad always taught me that it is better to choose your battles, and to try and not to argue when you are angry. This being said, it is sometimes better to have a break in the discussion (no matter how heated it may be) and to approach it when cooler heads prevail. The catch to this is that you need to make a pont to settle whatever the issues were.



argghhh... Wintery Mix sucks...



~Jon~

weed's picture

Communication

All of Justin's points can be summarized in one word: communicate.

Tell her you love her, you're sorry, how was your day, etc, that's all part of communication. Marriage is hard, but if you can constantly resync yourselves to a common goal, then your marriage will be healthy and survive.

Sometimes my wife & I get in a busy period, and we don't talk enough, and we get off-kilter, and we'll have a argument, but then we realize we haven't talked in a while. All it takes is that realization, plus putting away some time to talk and get back on the same page, and next thing we know, we're right back on track.

Of course, we knew from the start we wanted the same things, so that makes it easy. And the things we don't agree on, love allows us to compromise, provided we tell each other what we're thinking.

I send my wife flowers for no reason. Never on Valentine's day, or her birthday, or our anniversary. I send them on a Wednesday when I find myself thinking about her. Then I send them to her at work.

This does two things:
1) It communicates to her I'm thinking about her, and that I love her
2) Hse gets to show off her wonderful husband to all those other nurses, and women LOVE doing that!!! ;)

Justin, congratulation on seven years. If you're Sam's age, then you're as old as I am, and we're hitting three in March, and seven seems like a far way away...so wow!

My $.02
Weed

matthew's picture

Not to brag...

Not to brag, but nine years & counting. We were married Dec 10, 1994.

--
Matthew P. Barnson

--
Matthew P. Barnson

Timpane's picture

Age

3 years younger than Sam if you can believe it. He was a glorious senior in HS when I was a lowly freshman.

EDIT by matthew: Sam's a year younger than me, since he was ahead in school, so probably not three years...

NVZ: NINJAS VS ZOMBIES - THE MOVIE - www.nvzmovie.com
THE OFFICIAL JUSTIN TIMPANE WEBSITE - www.timpane.com

christy's picture

To agree or not agree!?

I have to tell you all we tried the whole don't go to bed angry thing. We found we didn't get anywhere fast because we were both tired and frustrated. On the other hand, if we don't discuss the situation and I go to bed anyway, I lay there fuming for hours. On the third hand, (which I wish I had) our marriage counselor reminded us that it's important to cool down and give each other space. Let your partner know what it is you would like to discuss at a future time and let it go until both are ready to discuss the matter. This is not easily done, but I find that I can leave my anger behind and discuss things rationally.

On another side note, it is very important for each person to have their own personal time to play, do hobbies, keep their sanity. Just make sure your personal time doesn't impede on time that should be spent with the family. I must say that Matt is very understanding of my need of personal time, especially after a long day with the kids driving me nuts. Thanks honey!--

Christy

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Christy