Author: matthew

Yes, you too can build your own fighting hamster!

So wrong… so very wrong…

I had a conversation with a particularly obtuse apologist over email today. The conversation ended when I directed him to consider his opinion in light of this image:

(August 12, 2006)

Credit: David Horsey/Seattle Post-Intelligencer http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/photos/photo.asp?PhotoID=97019

Ran across this article which really resonated with me today. Emphasis mine. I realize it’s a bit old, but it emphasizes something I’ve come to believe over the years: it’s much less important what you say, or what you believe, than how you say it.

http://www.webmd.com/content/Article/82/97196.htm

Math May Tell Which Marriages Last

Calculus, More Than Chemistry, Predicts Future Divorce Rates

By Sid Kirchheimer : WebMD Medical News Reviewed By Brunilda Nazario, MD on Friday, February 13, 2004

“Chemistry” may get the credit as the foundation for a good relationship, but new research suggests that calculus may better predict whether it stays intact. Researchers say that a mathematical formula they devised can predict with at least 94% accuracy which couples will eventually divorce.

“We actually were at 100% accuracy for most of our study, but a few couples we didn’t think would get a divorce based on our formula did, which lowered our accuracy,” says mathematician James D. Murray, PhD, DSc, FRS, of the University of Washington and Oxford University. “Still, after testing it on 700 couples, it’s incredibly accurate.”

The formula, which will be officially presented Saturday at the annual of meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science, predicts future divorce rates based on positive or negative numerical scores given for specific expressions or comments made as couples discussed a point of contention while being interviewed by a marriage counselor.

“It could be about money, sex, in-laws, housing — whatever,” Murray tells WebMD. “We videotaped couples during a 15-minute conversation and then tracked scores based on their actions and reactions onto a graph, so it wound up looking like a jagged-lined, cumulative Dow Jones average stock report.”

For instance, a roll of the eyes by one mate scored a negative 4 score; a nod indicting interest or well-placed use of humor when discussions got heated warranted a positive 4.

Add the scores and it comes to this bottom line: It’s not whether a couple frequently argues that predicts their success. It’s how they argue.

Masters and Disasters of Marriage

“When couples whose marriages are stable over time talk about an area of contention or disagreement, their discussions have five times as many positive comments or expressions as negative. In couples who eventually headed to divorce, ratio of positive-to-negative was 0.8 to 1,” says psychologist John Gottman, PhD, a noted marriage expert who conceived the mathematical formula and enlisted Murray’s mathematical skills to help develop it some 13 years ago.

The scores for these ratios are based on two coding systems that Gottman developed — a checklist of 13 behaviors scored for the speaker, and nine behaviors that are scored for the listener on each turn at speech, in both contentious discussions as well as any type of conversation.

“When the masters of marriage are talking about something important, they may be arguing, but they are also laughing and teasing and there are signs of affection because they have made emotional connections,” Gottman says. “But a lot of people don’t know how to connect or how to build a sense of humor, and this means a lot of fighting that couples engage in is a failure to make emotional connections. We wouldn’t have known this without the mathematical model.”

Make or Break Factors

Some of the most significant factors were the nonverbal cues. “For example, there’s a facial expression of contempt in which the left lip corner moves to the side and creates a dimple. We see it all the time in couples who are going to break up – and it’s huge in our mathematical formula,” Gottman tells WebMD. “Eye rolling and sighing in response to a partner’s comment are also very big negative behaviors.”

Scoring high on the positive end: Words or actions that show empathy, support, or just interest in what the mate expresses about contentious topics — for instance, supporting words or gestures such as an “I-hear-you-sweetie” nod.

“On the positive side, humor and affection are probably the two most important,” says Gottman, who directs the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle and is professor emeritus of psychology at UW. “But you even get some, but not many, positive points for just bringing up a problem in neutral terms, without emotion.”

In addition to predicting divorce with the 5-to-1 ratio of positive-to-negative interactions, Murray says the model can actually predict when it’s likely to occur: Couples with a steep drop from a neutral point on their “stock chart” typically divorced within five years; a more gentle downward spiral suggested a breakup after 16 years of marriage.

The 700 couples were drawn from six separate studies conducted by Gottman over the past 32 years. “They include the entire spectrum of married people — young newlyweds, couples with small children, those with teenaged kids, seniors, even same-sex relationships.” The actual mathematical formula has been tested on them for 13 years, and many couples are still being tracked.

So how do you stack the numbers in your favor?

“If I have to give one piece of advice based on this for heterosexual relationships, I’d say it’s the importance of a man honoring his wife’s life dreams, and showing his support,” Gottman tells WebMD. “For women, it’s having a gentle approach to raising issues. For instance, rather than saying, ‘You don’t pay enough attention to me’, you say, ‘Honey, I’m getting that lonely feeling because I really miss you and need more of you in my day.’

“Basically, in good relationships people pussy-foot around each other. They think about how their partner is going to react before they act or speak.”

Susan Heitler, PhD, a marriage therapist in Denver and author of The Power of Two, a book on improving relationships, tells WebMD that the mathematical formula for predicting divorce indeed adds up.

“What this does is put into mathematical form what clinicians, relatives, and neighbors see for years before people they know get a divorce,” she says. “The more negativity there is in a relationship, the less happiness. And at some point, the couple says, ‘this isn’t worth it.'”

— Matthew P. Barnson – – – – Thought for the moment: Too much is not enough.

So today, a cartoonist finally put into words exactly what I was thinking whenever I saw one of those handy Zero-Tension Mice:

http://ars.userfriendly.org/cartoons/?id=20060801

Over at Jen Gagne’s blog, she mentions Visian implantable corrective lenses. These are little lenses which get implanted between your cornea and retina, to permanently correct vision problems. It’s reportedly much less invasive and has a much higher success rate than Lasik, and is not permanent! You can even have the lenses changed as your vision changes over the years.

I’m not ready for something like this yet, as I only need to use corrective lenses when flying, watching a movie, or trying to read a chalkboard, but if my vision gets worse as I age (probably will!), this will definitely be an attractive option!

As bad as US politics get, I’m glad they don’t go this far on a regular basis: City Councilman beats critic to death. Important safety tip: If you intend to be a journalist in Rio de Janiero, you should take martial arts training first.

So in a discussion forum, I recently came across a link to the Flame Warriors. This is one man’s attempt to caricature the various personality types who engage in online debates.

What type of Flame Warrior are you? I think I’m an Eagle Scout, with an occasional Jekyll and Hyde with some Bliss Ninny thrown in.

And then I see myself in Furious Typer’s shoes… or maybe Grammarian, or Diplomat, with a hint of Pithy Phrase…

— Matthew P. Barnson – – – – Thought for the moment: Optimism is the content of small men in high places. — F. Scott Fitzgerald, “The Crack Up”

So Wandering Moose recently showed me the Friends feature on NetFlix. This is so dang cool! You can see what one another are renting, what our ratings are, and send recommendations to each other.

I was just thinking it would be cool if those of us Netflixing all friended each other. Then we could share movie recommendations, and heck, maybe even do like mini-reviews on the site or something.

I’d nominate something, maybe, anime for the first month? I was looking at “Howl’s Moving Castle”, and that looked pretty good.

Anyway, post your netflix addy if you’re interested in friending. We are finance at barnson dot org. What about you?

Choose your poison. Put in your body weight. And find out just how many cans of your favorite caffeinated beverage it would take to kill you!

http://www.energyfiend.com/death-by-caffeine/

For me? 286 cans of Diet Mountain Dew. Want scary? Check out Red Bull… that’s a lot, but with those tiny cans it’s less than you’d think…

So we had a good time on our trip to MD. Thanks to everybody who showed up for Friday’s dinner… it was simply awesome realizing that there are still some really good friendships with people who knew us when we knew nothing. Special thanks to Justin & Kelly, Jon & Michelle, Jen & Andy, Patty & John, Andrea & Genna, and those who made it to J & K’s house after the dinner to just talk the night away. You guys all rock.

I have more pictures than the ones below (many more!) but I think I want to just get the gallery module working on my blog to make this easier… converting each photo to thumbnail and web-reduced version by hand takes too much time.

1. Our first night in town, we sit down to sing through “Once More With Feeling”, the score to the Buffy The Vampire Slayer musical of the same name.
2. Justin sings his heart out as Giles. I believe this was “So tell me… Where do we go from here?”
3. Tickling ivories.
4. Christy went to the DC Mormon temple on Friday morning.
5. Self-portrait. I’ve gotten uglier with time.
6. She’s gotten prettier.
7. The dinner gang relaxes. Missing from picture is Kelly, at bottom left. You can see her and the bun in the oven in the first picture.
8. Andy & Jen strike a pose for the camera.
9. Relaxing at Coldstone with Andy, Jen, Justin, and Kelly.
10. This was the majority of the attendees at the 2006 QOHS 1991 15-year high school reunion. Can anybody name everyone from left to right? (Check it out in hi-resolution. 1.6 megabytes.)
11. A Real Wild Child. I won’t identify who she is online, but I just love this picture.
12. Christy, Laurie, and Bryan.

We also got a little video of the blackmailable “Chicken Dance” at the QOHS 15 year reunion for the class of 91:

Watch the silly 2 minute video. It is rather large, and is NOT a streaming video; dialup users beware.

— Matthew P. Barnson – – – – Thought for the moment: The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following: Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian. — Frank Herbert, “The White Plague”