A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He find his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice,
“Hey bartender, you wanna hear the best dumb blonde joke ever?”
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
“Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things . . .
“One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
“Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
“Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
“Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
“Five: I’m a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude!
“Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says:
“Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times!”
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the man led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. “What’s that big brass gong for?” one of the guests asked. “Why, that’s my talking clock,” the man replied. “How does it work?” asked one of his friends. “Watch this,” the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “Hey jerk! It’s 2 in the freaking morning!”
Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer.” The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, “How long were you married?” The first guy says, “24 years.” “Did you ever cheat on your wife?” Peter asked. The guy says, “Yeah, 7 times… but you said I was forgiven!” Peter says, “yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto.” The second guy says, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good.” Peter says, “I’m pleased to hear that, here’s a Lincoln.” The 3rd guy walks up and says, “Peter, I know what you’re going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!” Peter says, “That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Jaguar!” A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto se the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they ask him what’s wrong, he says, “I just saw my wife, and she was on a skateboard!”
A computer geek guy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess!” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said: “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The computer geek took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out: “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want!” Again the computer geek took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked: “What’s the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The computer geek said: “Look, I work in I.T… I don’t have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog… now that’s cool!”
The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn’t be ignored. “Oh dear,” said the Queen, “How embarrassing. I’m frightfully sorry about that.” “It’s quite understandable,” said the archbishop, and after a moment added, “as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse!”
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. “Well, it was like this,” he replies. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.” “What did you do?” asks the doctor. “Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!'”
Buford walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Buford said, “Shingles.” So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, “Shingles.” So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, “Shingles.” So the nurse gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, “Shingles.” The doctor asked, “Where?” Buford said, “Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?”
A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, “I’m collecting donations for the new children’s home we’re building. I hope you’ll give what you can.” “To be sure,” said the beleaguered woman, “I’ll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each.”
A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened. “Well, Dad,” said the boy, “I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.” “Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.” “I know, but I never thought he’d choose his big sister!”
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. ATTENTION: You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. “Wow,” She thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
There are two Quebecois hunters who have been lost in the woods for weeks and they’re at death’s door. As they stumble on, hoping for some form of salvation or something similar, they suddenly spot, through the brush, a peculiar looking tree off in the distance. As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There’s smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts. “Hey, Jacques” says the first hunter “Dat’s a bacon tree! We’re saved!” “You’re right, mon ami!” says Henri. So Jacques goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there’s the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the forest floor and calls across to the wounded Jacques. “Jacques!! Jacques!! Que ce qui se passe?” With his dying breath Jacques calls out… “Run, mon ami, run! Dat’s not a Bacon Tree! “Dat’s… a HAM BUSH!”
A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test. “Here is your first question, the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.” “Without numbers?” The Cajun says, “Dat is easy.” And proceeds to draw three trees. “What’s this?” the boss asks? “Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,” says the Cajun. “Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.” The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. “Ere you go.” The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?” “Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.” The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.” The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere you go. One hundred.” The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!” The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, “A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred. So, when I start?”
(Some jokes blatantly stolen from a thread over at www.runryder.com…)