Barnson.org

I never imagined myself as a Dad. Although I had been the third parent for my Brother and Sister on my Mom’s side, I just never conceived what it would be to be a dad. Here’s what I know now.

1) You’re not a dad.. you’re just you, and you’re the one who has to change the poopy, and he likes to fall asleep on you.. and you sure do love him.. and.. oh crap… you’re a dad.

2) You still have the same personal projects on your plate, and you’ll get to them.. but tomorrow.

3) Its tomorrow.. You still have the same personal projects on your plate, and you’ll get to them.. but tomorrow.

4) If you want to be on time, schedule yourself to be early. Not that it will make you on time, but you can say.. “I scheduled myself to be here early”.

5) Its not your kid, really.. its your parents’ kid.. they insist.. your wife is giving you the look.. tell them you’re the dad, and make sure they know their place.. then call them the next day and thank them for being so understanding cuz youre under so much stress.

6) Nothing is happening in the first six weeks. Not even a substitute.

7) Spit up and pee is clean, really. Its not dirty. Forget it happened.

8) Your wife can no longer eat or drink without spilling. Let it go.. she’ll get better.

9) You eat second. Your food will be cold. Learn to live with it. Let her eat.. dammit, don’t dunk your sandwich in her soup.. just let her eat.

10) The baby loves you – even though all the mean jobs have been relegated to you under the guise of “well you don’t have to feed him”.

There’s lots more, but these are the ones on my mind today.. oh, and –

11) The poopy flies at midnight.

I am here to staff our booth at the so-exciting Lamaze International annual meeting. It’s edge of your seat excitement, I can tell you.

I wasn’t at all sure if there were any folks hanging out here on the blog that lived in the Boston area, so I figured I would put that out there. And I’m also interested in recommendations on places to eat, and so on. I’ll have evenings free, but I am mercifully freed from this meeting on Saturday afternoon.

I was going to try a Red Sox game, but I figured my wife would mind me taking out a third mortgage to afford the tickets. Anyway, let me know any recommendations. Thanks everyone.

So I received one of the regular light-bulb joke routines in my inbox. I thought a few of these were clever, so here they are!

CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only 1 Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal: 10 One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None Candles only.

Baptists : At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken

Episcopalians: 3 One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: 5 One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it. Unitarian We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene : 6 One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None Lutherans don’t believe in change.

Jewish Grandmothers: 0 It’s all right, I’ll just sit in the dark and suffer!!

Amish: What light bulb?

The Creation as an Infocom Game.

What. You think when I post a link as the first line, there’s actually useful content afterwards on that “read more” link?

Okay, so I’m selling my Pacifica. You can all look at it on eBay here:

I get a message from an eBay member like this:

Please forward me your number. I would like to make an offer and buy your car. I AM VERY INTERESTED IN BUYING IT AND AM A SERIOUS BUYER. I live in New York. I have no problems driving up to Maryland on Saturday with Cash. Please forward a phone number so I can talk to you directly or just call my number 917 XXX-XXXX

Thank You, Ilya

Hope to hear from you soon.

He’s only got a 3 rating from eBay, and all his purchases are over a year old. But, at least he spells okay and the grammar is good. He capitalized Cash, and that throws a red flag to me.

So……should I call him? Call him from a place that’s not my home? Tell him to go through eBay? Whaddya think?

My gut tells me it’s shady, but what can calling him hurt?

My $.02 Weed

I can’t believe the Croc Hunter’s gone.

This depresses me more than I might have expected.

Remember how you felt disappointed by the lightsaber fights in episode 3? It was almost like any kid could have done better than that, right?

Well.. yes. AMAZING. Click here for 2 KIDS with LIGHTSABERS

Tonight, on the way into work, I was flipping through the stations on my XM Radio…

• Highway 16… naw, I don’t want to do country tonight.
• Mix… Too homogenic for my tastes tonight. It’s just… bland pop music.
• Seventies on Seven? Meh… It was Led Zeppelin, again, followed by some Rush and CCR. I mean, I like that stuff, but it didn’t reach out and grab me.
• Well, maybe it’s a talk radio night? America Left, America Right. No politics, just car shows and this dumb music show…

Waiddasecind.

Who’s this Dean Martin guy they’re talking about?

Huh. He’s got a dang fine voice. When’s that music from? 1946? Huh.

(thumbs on radio, ignoring traffic around me for a second)

“Forties on Four”.

Holy crap! That’s some butt-kicking Big Band music! Wow! That’s really good!

So here I sit, a few hours later, STILL listening to the Forties on Four. Man. That’s real music. These aren’t just golden oldies, these are MOLDY OLDIES. Right now, it’s barbershop… actually, it’s not forties, but it’s Acoustix singing songs from the forties.

I feel decidedly strange, but, oddly musically satisfied.

The people in the parking lot at Wal-Mart sure looked at me strangely as my butt-kickin’ sound system blasted big band music. And you thought rap had deep bass.

Sorry for all the comment spam, folks. I upgraded my Drupal to the latest version, and forgot a couple of custom patches.

Not to worry, I’m remedying it right now. I caught it in time, but had to disable anonymous posting entirely until the patch is done.

–Matt B.

Bandbox.com, perhaps?

I love spammers… I love spammers chocking on their own vomit. I love spammers being audited by the IRS. I love spammers getting incurable STDs. I love spammers finding the SO cheating with their best friends.

/end rant

My $.02 Weed