So, today appears to be a dramatic day in my life. My sister-in-law just called; I think she’ll be OK with me posting my response to her email. If you aren’t, sister, let me know! Plus my mother is heading over in a few hours to “have a chat and dinner” with me. We had a really, really good talk the other night. She sounded pretty hostile on the phone, though.
I’ve substituted “Sister” for my sister-in-law’s name, and “My Wife” for all instances of my wife’s name.
Thanks for your note. Please forgive me if I sound at all defensive; you’re welcome to call (I’m home right now because I’ll be working Saturday — XXX.XXX.XXXX) to clear any questions up.
Sister, unfortunately, you’ve never known me that well. The “views I cherish the most” have been, in part, love, laughter, friendship, music, and intellect. There are more, but those are some. These are not incompatible with my current outlook. Why not get to know me better before you decide to slam me about my philosophies on life, love, and religion?
| but it didn’t sound like you at all.
I’ve always been a happy person. At seventeen, I decided to try to put that “light-minded” part of me behind me and knuckle down to being a serious Mormon. I did that for twelve years, putting all my doubts on a shelf in the back of my mind.
One day, the shelf collapsed, and I was left with a choice: put myself out of my misery, or deal with all my doubts and start fresh. I eventually told my wife that I was agnostic (actually, I used the word “atheist”, but religious people tend to misinterpret that as “anti-religion” rather than its true meaning, “not one who promotes theism, or god-view”). I’d rather choose life than killing myself, thanks.
| WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR MIND??
You make it sound as if something is wrong, when it’s actually something that’s so right! I can finally be honest with myself and other people about what I think and feel, instead of piling it all up silently in my mind and presenting this fake cheerful front.
| Do you realize how upset your mom is over all of this?
Yes, I know it upset her. I’m not happy that she’s unhappy. I’ve been agnostic in my mind for six years, and a declared, or “out” agnostic for one year. I figured it was finally time to clue her in — particularly, since I won’t be baptizing Sara in a month or so. I mean, what’s the alternative: let her live in a lie the rest of her life as to what I believe? She did everything she could to bring us up right, and she did. She taught me to think for myself, a passion for life, and a desire to do good. These wonderful attributes which she has in abundance are not derived from the Church!
| Do you realize that this is going to hurt not only you but your | family?
I’ve been through the hurt, and you can’t make me feel much worse about the way other people feel about my personal philosophies. I’d rather be honest than dead; I’ll live with the consequences. I cannot control your feelings, or my wife’s, or my mother’s, or my brother’s. I am responsible for myself. Although I empathize, and tried to break the news to my mom as gently as I could, how much more gently could I have done it.
Right, I could have kept lying. That doesn’t work for me.
| Do you realize that everything that you hold dear to your heart might |leave because of your current views on life?
My wife has been very clear on what will and will not make her leave me. I have no desire to lose my wife or children. I love them very dearly; my feelings about religion have absolutely nothing to do with my feelings towards my family. I think, over the last year as my wife has become accustomed to my non-religiousness, that she’s begun to understand this. I wish other people would.
| What made you decide to change?
Nothing “made me” decide to change. I finally reached the point where lying about what I thought about religion became more unbearable than telling the truth. I’m not sure exactly what caused the snap, but I think it was the birth of Elijah. From around March until July of 2002, I was trying to reconcile the fact that I’d never received the burning in the bosom”, and what few “spiritual” feelings or impressions I had felt were felt in equal measure by people of other religions, as well as those of no faith. I asked a friend that I knew had left the church for advice on how he dealt with his lack of belief (IMPORTANT NOTE: I already knew I lacked belief, I was just trying to communicate it to my family at this point!!!), and he shared his experiences. I tried his approach, and learned that writing a letter about my beliefs, given the intensely personal and loving relationship my wife and I usually enjoy, was the wrong choice.
Now I know, that’s why I wanted to talk to my Mom in person. I can’t communicate my sincerity to you over email like I can in person. I’m serious about keeping my family, and serious about the fact that I am a skeptic, too.
| DO I NEED TO COME ALL THE WAY FROM MARYLAND AND KICK YOU IN THE | BUTT!!
I’d love to see you, regardless of your reasons.
| My family was partially torn apart because of Brian’s views on | religion.
Brian and I are very, very different people. I know a lot of other people that have allowed religion to tear apart their families. I am determined to not be one of them. I will not break my marriage vows willingly. I am committed to my relationship. Maybe my wife will decide to leave me because she loves the Church more than she loves me.
I sure hope not. A religious institution is not a warm companion at night.
And the oaths you take in the temple are never, ever to God — they are always to the Church, with God as a witness. That’s one of the things that led me to where I am now.
| I couldn’t take the religion bashing anymore.
I confine my religious discussion, in large part, to my weblog and mailing lists where people, by joining, express their desire to engage in religious discussion. I’ve told my wife she’s welcome to read my blog, and invited her specially to read a few entries that I felt were particularly poignant. Perhaps you may find one enlightening too:
http://barnson.org/node/view/112
| You are going to lose everything that have worked for….you house,your family, your mother…everything.
No, I’m not. My mother will continue to love me; although I suspect our relationship will change, if anything I feel much closer by this admission.
My family? They are the most important thing in my life. I think I’ve made that abundantly clear. MY CORE VALUES HAVE NOT CHANGED!!!! I’m simply not a believer. I’m ethical, moral, and I try to be 100% honest in my dealings with my fellow men. Honesty is the most important thing in my life. I fall short sometimes, but I’m gaining ground. I don’t need to be brutal — I just need to tell the truth, in actions as well as in words.
| Matt, I adore you and your family.
Thanks, we like you too. I, particularly, am fond of you and grateful that you are still a part of our circle of relatives despite your divorce from my brother.
| You are apart of my family even though I am divorced from Brian.
I’m happy for that!
| You are my brother and I care about you and worry about you guys alot. This whole thing makes me very very mad and sad at the same time. Sad because what it will do to you in the long run…think hard about what you really believe…..and what put you into this place. Your mom told me you lost your job…..you about to lose more than that if you don’t reevalaute everything.
I’ve had seven jobs in nine years. Getting laid off from a job is not a big deal to me — it may be lean for a time, but we’ll find another. I’d really, really, really like to find a place that doesn’t start shutting down shortly after me joining. At this point, I chalk that up to bad luck and timing, riding on startups during the dot-com boom and bust.
And Sister, it is “reevaluating everything” that got me to where I am in the first place. If you’re too busy, with no time to think because you’re constantly shuttling to and fro with church and family duties, you lack the time to really contemplate your place in the Universe. I made the time. I took long walks by myself to think. I take public transportation so that I have time to write notes about where my thoughts lead me, and to actually step back and gain some perspective on my life. It’s calming and peaceful to realize my place on the planet, and to try to approach my relationships with others as the real, live, people they are, rather than as something I want something from.
Your experience is not my experience. I have no desire to “bash the church”, and take particular care not to introduce my ideas to any who are not a willing audience. By visiting my site, you have made yourself a willing audience.
My wife and I are doing OK, with some rough spots. We’re going through some therapy. The reality is, we get along pretty darn well, except for this large rough patch involving the church. To soothe your mind, I don’t plan on taking up lying, stealing, backbiting, cursing, drinking, smoking, chewing tobacco, or attempting to pick up any other bad habits. My sole desire was to rid myself of this monkey on my back my whole life. That monkey is fear, which the Church uses liberally to keep members in line, and which it seems nearly all religions apply without conscience of the repercussions.
I REFUSE to be afraid anymore. I will take my lumps like a man, and be happy that I’m being honest and true to my conscience. I hope with all my heart that my wife does not decide to abandon this family over her beliefs, and I think we’ll work through this. My family is my duty, my responsibility, and passion.
Your bad experience will not be mine if I can possibly help it.
My position is simply this: I don’t know. Religion appears to be mostly a game of who can con who, but you know what? I wasn’t there, so I don’t know. I don’t know if there are gods, pixies, imps, or fire-breathing dragons. I don’t know if there’s such a thing as “The Spirit”, or if it’s just a label people give emotions that don’t have other words to describe them. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow.
I DO know that I love my family dearly, and the singular most important purpose in my life, beyond being honest, is to preserve it at any price that does not involve dishonesty. Everything else comes after that. I find some time here and there for hobbies, games, and maintaining a few web sites.
I really think if two people are committed to a relationship, they canwork it out. If one of them decides that something else is more important than their relationship, then that leads to the relationship falling apart. I know exactly where I stand.
