The Desert Star Heckling Society Rides Again!

Last night, in the latest edition of the grand tradition, four stalwart friends assembled at Denny’s in Murray, Utah (just a few minutes south of Salt Lake City) for a night of fun.

“I don’t know,” I mouthed around a jawful of green beans and half-masticated chicken, “we did the Hoo-Doggy last time, and it just seems dated, you know?” I adjusted my backside a bit on the not-too-soft, very narrow, short green booth bench next to an outside window under the dim lighting in the greasy-spoon.

Last night, in the latest edition of the grand tradition, four stalwart friends assembled at Denny’s in Murray, Utah (just a few minutes south of Salt Lake City) for a night of fun.

“I don’t know,” I mouthed around a jawful of green beans and half-masticated chicken, “we did the Hoo-Doggy last time, and it just seems dated, you know?” I adjusted my backside a bit on the not-too-soft, very narrow, short green booth bench next to an outside window under the dim lighting in the greasy-spoon.

“Yeah, I know, but what would we yell instead,” questioned intrepid Desert Star Heckling Society leader Ryan Rawlins as he chewed around a forkful of steak, “Oompa-Loompa or something?” His prodigiously wide frame seemed incongruous on the small bench opposite mine.

“Naw, that lacks panache,” I replied, as our two mortified wives glared at us, then began their own conversation. “Maybe Oh My Heck?”

“What about Good Golly?” Ryan suggested, the gleam in his eye indicating he thought he’d found just the thing.

“Oh, yeah, that sounds great!” I shouted enthusiastically, spraying a mouthful of cottage cheese across the table which drew a raised eyebrow from Ryan’s wife, Lynette. “and maybe we can shout ‘Bad Golly’ when the bad guy comes out!”

And thus began our third foray into the world of our newly-formed Desert Star Heckling Society. We began innocently enough one night, with a simple “Hoo-Doggie!” shouted at inappropriate times. The Desert Star players responded enthusiastically to this prodding, with zany one-liners and zingers coming with each inflammatory statement.

Tonight followed that excellent pattern.

“Good Golly!” we shouted in unison after arriving at the theater and the play, “Jekyll & Hyde”, began.

“Exactly!” shouted the actor onstage in response to this bit of audience participation.

Ryan began to get creative as the puns got worse from onstage. “Yes,” proclaimed the ugly Mr. Hyde, played with flair and ham by Jack Drayton, “you can’t hyde from me!”

“That’s just bad!” shouted Ryan next to me. The audience giggled around us.

“What, you think I write this crap?” responded Hyde with a glare and a grin from the stage. This time, the audience guffawed.

A few minutes later, Ryan interjected another one-liner at an appropriate moment when the audience should have been laughing, but wasn’t. “This,” Scott Holman as Dr. Jekyll retorted from behind the desk on stage, gesturing in Ryan’s direction, “this is what happens when cousins marry.” The audience roared!


The art of good heckling has been refined as a tradition for thousands of years of human history. Unfortunately, it is all too often lowbrow and of ill-humor. Lines like “you suck” or “go home”, while perhaps appropriate at a sporting event, are entirely inappopriate at a a comedy theater. So, in that vein, allow me to share a few tips for good heckling at the Desert Star!

  1. Be creative. Use original lines, and be sure to try to have good comedic timing. If a few lines fall flat, that’s OK, but if all of your lines fall flat all night, you’re definitely doing something wrong. If you draw laughs from your surrounding patrons, you are doing it right. If you instead draw frowns and angry stares, perhaps you’d better think up some original lines ahead of time and try them out on friends to see if they are funny. Or just hang up your heckling shoes and realize that you’re forever consigned to the role of laughing plebian, rather than witty repartee-master-of-the-heckle, eh?
  2. Remember, you are a foil for the actors and actresses. Your goal is to get them to respond to you — draw their fire, and get them to use those lovely insults they have prepared in your direction. The audience should be laughing at what the actor or actress says — not what you say.
  3. Be prepared to be insulted. Your breeding, your clothing, your hairstyle… If you don’t have a thick skin, you’re not going to survive the heckler’s life!
  4. Do not try to heckle on your first trip, or perhaps even your third. Know the actors before attempting to engage in sparkling repartee with them.
  5. Heckling is best used to involve an otherwise uninvolved audience. If the people around you aren’t responding to the puns, point them out, laugh as loudly as you can, and try to get them to respond.
  6. In the vein of “know your actors”, here are some of the principal players at the Desert Star Playhouse as of late 2003 who are fun for hecklers to play with. The playhouse really seems to value an active audience, and readily involves them (willingly or unwillingly) in their antics. I figure heckling is fair play — particularly if you are on the front row 🙂

    Jack Drayton is an easy mark. He readily responds to audience heckling, usually to hilarious effect. He has an excellent sense of timing, and a seemingly inexhaustible supply of funny, self-deprecating retorts for virtually any audience participation. If you must choose one Desert Star player to pick on, and you have a frail ego, he’s the guy. Unlike some other players, he nearly always responds to provocation, which makes him really fun to barb.

    Scott Holman is another easy mark, but only for the thicker-skinned potential hecklers. Scott, like Jack, readily responds to hecklers, but his responses (like the one above), tend to be far more oriented toward personal insults to audience members. Don’t get me wrong, they are still hilariously funny, but delicate egos need not apply.

    Kerstin Davis is also a regular DS performer, and an excellent choice for the budding heckler. She will often ignore the heckling if your timing is off, though, so it’s probably best to cut your teeth on Scott or Jack before trying out Kerstin.

If done properly, heckling can be an excellent way to make a night at the Desert Star even better. But fair warning, competition is fierce in this arena, and some nights you may only find room for one or two barbs. Never fear… if you attend enough, you will find a night when the audience is dead, and your heckling talents can really bring the best out in the performers to warm the audience up and get them rolling!

Food: Daikon or Turnip rather than potatoes?

So, I’m in Day Two of my low-carbohydrate diet. Trying to make sure that I get multivitamins, and have a good mix of veggies to keep me healthy. I’m really trying to avoid the diabetes that seems to traditionally afflict my family, and from the diabetic community, this seems to be a really sure-fire winner. It involves lifelong diet changes, though, which may be hard, but as for the weight-loss and diabetes-avoidance aspects, I only have two words to say: Cool stuff!

One thing I’ve really missed, though, is potatoes. One poster on the alt.support.diet.low-carb newsgroup suggested using daikon for hash browns rather than potates. One also suggested that Turnips work really well, but you have to soak them in water plus a little cream for about 20 minutes before cooking them.

So, I’m in Day Two of my low-carbohydrate diet. Trying to make sure that I get multivitamins, and have a good mix of veggies to keep me healthy. I’m really trying to avoid the diabetes that seems to traditionally afflict my family, and from the diabetic community, this seems to be a really sure-fire winner. It involves lifelong diet changes, though, which may be hard, but as for the weight-loss and diabetes-avoidance aspects, I only have two words to say: Cool stuff!

One thing I’ve really missed, though, is potatoes. One poster on the alt.support.diet.low-carb newsgroup suggested using daikon for hash browns rather than potates. One also suggested that Turnips work really well, but you have to soak them in water plus a little cream for about 20 minutes before cooking them.

Going to have to try it! Apparently the Daikon is only 1 to 2 grams of carbs per serving, while turnips are around 3 to 4 carbs per serving. Time to get creative…

There Is Such Thing As Free Lunch

People never cease to amaze me when it comes to the opportunity for receiving free food.

For those of you lucky enough not to live in the Upper Midwest, let me bring you up to speed on the Minneapolis “situation”. I walked into the local sub joint a couple weeks ago. As standard with most walk-in retail food operators, a fishbowl is perched near the checkout register, asking people to drop in their business card for a chance to win a free six inch sub.

Retail value of six inch sub: less than $5.00.

I noticed that next to the free-sub fishbowl, was yet another fishbowl. This second fishbowl had been placed there by another business looking to drum up sales leads. This second fishbowl, placed by the largest Minneapolis athletic club had an pretty cool offer. Somebody’s card would be chosen at random at that winner would receive a free year’s membership at the gym.

People never cease to amaze me when it comes to the opportunity for receiving free food.

For those of you lucky enough not to live in the Upper Midwest, let me bring you up to speed on the Minneapolis “situation”. I walked into the local sub joint a couple weeks ago. As standard with most walk-in retail food operators, a fishbowl is perched near the checkout register, asking people to drop in their business card for a chance to win a free six inch sub.

Retail value of six inch sub: less than $5.00.

I noticed that next to the free-sub fishbowl, was yet another fishbowl. This second fishbowl had been placed there by another business looking to drum up sales leads. This second fishbowl, placed by the largest Minneapolis athletic club had an pretty cool offer. Somebody’s card would be chosen at random at that winner would receive a free year’s membership at the gym.

Retail value of annual membership: $250.

Of course, you all see where this is headed. The ratio of business cards in the free-sub fishbowl to the free-membership fishbowl was, approximately, 4,567 to 1.

Thought #1: What is wrong with people? Thought #2: Never underestimate the power of food to coerce, soothe, impress, broker introduction and ingratiate.

Must start using food as an advertising gimmick for the business here…

Heading to St. George!

So, today, I turned in a few resumes. Called a friend in Great Britain (Ahh, IP telephony is so nice!) and asked if he knew of any jobs available, or people I could talk to looking for a job there. No dice, but I’ll be talking to him again soon I think, seeing if he remembered any names. Played Planetside for about 30 minutes… didn’t even go into the new expansion area. Dead world, nobody on this time of day (11 AM Mountain time).

Answered a lot of emails. Fixed emailing problem from my web site… it turns out that I hadn’t synched over the “sendmail” binary from my old system. Using a different version of postfix’s sendmail interface really made it unhappy, and every message bounced. Finally fixed the primary DNS on a couple of my domains. All DNS requests for those domains were being answered by the lowly little Pentium Pro 200 in my basement running OpenBSD. Uck.

So, today, I turned in a few resumes. Called a friend in Great Britain (Ahh, IP telephony is so nice!) and asked if he knew of any jobs available, or people I could talk to looking for a job there. No dice, but I’ll be talking to him again soon I think, seeing if he remembered any names. Played Planetside for about 30 minutes… didn’t even go into the new expansion area. Dead world, nobody on this time of day (11 AM Mountain time).

Answered a lot of emails. Fixed emailing problem from my web site… it turns out that I hadn’t synched over the “sendmail” binary from my old system. Using a different version of postfix’s sendmail interface really made it unhappy, and every message bounced. Finally fixed the primary DNS on a couple of my domains. All DNS requests for those domains were being answered by the lowly little Pentium Pro 200 in my basement running OpenBSD. Uck.

Still hanging out in my pajamas, and it’s afternoon already. Oy, I need to take a bus into town with a written plan to hit a few businesses I’d like to work for. Hmm, now to write down the plan!

We scheduled a vacation to St. George for the weekend of Nov 15th. Kind of nice — we’re Worldmark owners, so it doesn’t cost us anything more than we already pay ($90 a quarter for maintenance fees). Pretty nice thing to be able to do once a year. Anyway, Christy’s friend’s wedding is on the 15th, so we’re driving down the night of the 13th to St. George (about a 5-6 hour trip), staying the night, hanging out in St. George the next day (Friday), then driving to the wedding Saturday morning, attending, and hitting Las Vegas for the rest of the day. Without wanting to spend any money, we’re going to rely on mostly the “free” entertainment in the area! We’ve done it before, and it’s pretty fun.

Then Saturday night, it’s back to St. George (about a 2-hour trip) to go to bed, pack up, and scramble out in a mad dash Sunday morning so Christy can make her church meetings at 1 PM. It wouldn’t be a big deal to miss it, but the kids are putting on some kind of presentation. Guess I’ll gussy myself up into my “Sunday Best” (Heh, black shirt, white tie, khaki pants) and head out so I can watch my children perform.

Umm, and that’s what’s going on in my life at the moment! I normally would have some witty quotes and stories from other sites, but nothing’s interesting me much at the moment.

Job Hunt: Day 1

Today marks my first day of “joblessness”. We have some money in the bank, and a decent severance package, so we’re nowhere near out of money… yet. But by the end of February, the savings will have dwindled, the unemployment wouldn’t be making up much slack, and we’d begin feeling the pinch pretty hard.

So why don’t you check out my excellent resume, available right here at barnson.org, and let me know if you happen to see something that suits my job history?

I’ve been hitting it pretty hard today. I put in several applications this morning, and I’m planning on making at least one “cold call” a day: that is, a call to an employer who has not advertised they are hiring for a position. I expect to be roundly rejected on these calls, and that’s OK! My goal is to build up my sales skills and networks of people who know my name, while also building my research skills in companies, and not necessarily to get a job that way.

Today marks my first day of “joblessness”. We have some money in the bank, and a decent severance package, so we’re nowhere near out of money… yet. But by the end of February, the savings will have dwindled, the unemployment wouldn’t be making up much slack, and we’d begin feeling the pinch pretty hard.

So why don’t you check out my excellent resume, available right here at barnson.org, and let me know if you happen to see something that suits my job history?

I’ve been hitting it pretty hard today. I put in several applications this morning, and I’m planning on making at least one “cold call” a day: that is, a call to an employer who has not advertised they are hiring for a position. I expect to be roundly rejected on these calls, and that’s OK! My goal is to build up my sales skills and networks of people who know my name, while also building my research skills in companies, and not necessarily to get a job that way.

The job boards are also pretty good, but for Utah, pretty lean as well. Monster boasted only two positions in Utah that fit my job description, and dice and hotjobs came up pretty lean as well. I haven’t hit Salt Lake City Help Wanted yet, nor The Deseret News. I’m not a big fan of classified ads, but you know what? They do work, but you often end up with a job that pays less because the cometition is so fierce. My former boss took a substantial pay cut, but he felt the pay rate was “fair” with a local hospital.

Fair? I don’t want fair, I want equitable and fun 🙂

Anyway, it’s exciting. And it’s nice that there’s not a ton of pressure, like I’d need to have landed the job yesterday or something just to make ends meet… living under that kind of pressure, every day one is unemployed, just stinks. I’ve been there before, and at the very least I feel like I have a solid month of full-time job-hunting before that is going to start preying on my mind. So for now, all the pressure is coming from inside of me to find that job right now, rather than from bills going unpaid and children wailing in hunger… 😉

I’m seriously considering the consulting scene right now. There seem to be a lot of 1-week to 6-month positions being advertised all over the country, and I’m a good fit for a large portion of them. That might satisfy my need for change and excitement, while also satisfying the wallet. The only concerning thing there, really, is the instability and travel requirements. My wife thrives on stability: if I can come home the same time, every day, she really loves that. Many of these consulting gigs would require a week or more away at a time, and I’d sure hate to put her through that kind of instability.

Then again, a paycheck with an uneven schedule is better than a regular schedule of never leaving the house because I have no work!

Anyway, wish me luck.

WHY ARE YOU FAMOUS?? Why am I not?

I think the real problem is that the average performer these days is barely talented and that half of the performers are less talented than that.

I just saw Ben Folds in concert at George Washington University, and he was amazing, incredible.. but the guy who opened for him was just some schmoe playing rhythms and chords on gutiar that I could play, and singing songs not as good as mine in a voice not much better. Its not that I’m super talented, but why in God’s green earth was he being paid to play for 5000 people, none of whom seemed enthused by his mediocrity?

I feel this way about a lot I see. I am a professional actor, and blast it, why does Ben Affleck get to live in a mansion and not me? Now I understand, I haven’t taken my shot (yet).. but the point is, if I take myself out of it..

I think the real problem is that the average performer these days is barely talented and that half of the performers are less talented than that.

I just saw Ben Folds in concert at George Washington University, and he was amazing, incredible.. but the guy who opened for him was just some schmoe playing rhythms and chords on gutiar that I could play, and singing songs not as good as mine in a voice not much better. Its not that I’m super talented, but why in God’s green earth was he being paid to play for 5000 people, none of whom seemed enthused by his mediocrity?

I feel this way about a lot I see. I am a professional actor, and blast it, why does Ben Affleck get to live in a mansion and not me? Now I understand, I haven’t taken my shot (yet).. but the point is, if I take myself out of it..

WHy is Affleck a bigger star than Matt Damon? Why is Limp Bizkit bigger than Ben Folds? Why does a movie with J. Lo do better than a movie with Dustin Hoffman, Robert DeNiro, or Gene Hackman? Why do we, the american public, allow McG to make Charlie’s Angels 1 and 2, and then consider giving him the Superman franchise? Why does Rick berman get to keep his job running Star Trek when he is killing the franchise creatively and the novelists like Peter David are making incredible stuff every 3 months?

The fact is, I am friends with actors that could act circles around Keanu, Hayden, or the entire cast of “Coupling”. I know musicians (Matt, Sam, and most of the music departments of the colleges I attended included) that could just destroy the top ten if the suits in their offices just gave them the chance.

And, darnit, I’m not chopped liver either.. why should Justin from American Idol be famous? Why do I know who this guy is?

Arg.. maybe it is bitterness.. but I fully acknowledge there are people way way better.. Barenaked Ladies, Ewan McGregor, almost the entire cast of Lord Of The rings.. man, I want to meet these people and say.. I GET IT!! I’m one of the few!! You are talented!! I want to learn from these people, and not be stuck in the quagmire of mediocrity created by our ancestors of idiocy.. and you know who you are Suzanne Somers, Poison, Gilligan (the skipper too), Carrot Top, Teltubbies, Pauly Shore..

Oh jeez.. sorry gotta go.. Who’s The Boss is on.

Matt’s Picture

Matt, I have put off posting this for a while, not wanting to be the overbearing Mom. You are such a handsome boy, and yet you post this awful picture!!! Not that you don’t have good teeth — but you are such a handsome boy! Why not put up a picture that looks like you. I have some very cute ones of you if you don’t have a better one. I have to admit, its a step up from the can with a B on it, but not far. Need some help finding a good picture? I still have one of you in the cheer squad at Quince Orchard? Or in your T ball uniform? Anyway, love from your not so overbearing Mom.

Matt, I have put off posting this for a while, not wanting to be the overbearing Mom. You are such a handsome boy, and yet you post this awful picture!!! Not that you don’t have good teeth — but you are such a handsome boy! Why not put up a picture that looks like you. I have some very cute ones of you if you don’t have a better one. I have to admit, its a step up from the can with a B on it, but not far. Need some help finding a good picture? I still have one of you in the cheer squad at Quince Orchard? Or in your T ball uniform? Anyway, love from your not so overbearing Mom.

Spaghetti, cleaning, good times

It’s days like today that make the rest of life worth it, you know?

The snow fell softly outside the window, gently covering our part of the world in a slushy blanket of white. Since we allowed our front yard to die this last summer in order to do a low-water yard, it melts faster on the part of our lawn that have turned to bare dirt.

The kids, of course, were simply beside themselves with misery.

Sara lay crying on the couch as I drifted downstairs from a comfy-snuggle session with my wife of nine years. I glanced her way. Her eyes implored me to ask her what was wrong. However, I knew exactly what was wrong, so I refused to do what her silent glare tried to tell me I must do. I smiled, nodded, and kept walking into the kitchen, returning a few glasses to the dishwasher.

It’s days like today that make the rest of life worth it, you know?

The snow fell softly outside the window, gently covering our part of the world in a slushy blanket of white. Since we allowed our front yard to die this last summer in order to do a low-water yard, it melts faster on the part of our lawn that have turned to bare dirt.

The kids, of course, were simply beside themselves with misery.

Sara lay crying on the couch as I drifted downstairs from a comfy-snuggle session with my wife of nine years. I glanced her way. Her eyes implored me to ask her what was wrong. However, I knew exactly what was wrong, so I refused to do what her silent glare tried to tell me I must do. I smiled, nodded, and kept walking into the kitchen, returning a few glasses to the dishwasher.

Sara kept sobbing.

I walked past on my way back upstairs, paused, and said “Sara, I understand you’re upset about something. Your crying tells me you really don’t want to talk about it right now, and that’s OK. As soon as you feel like asking me, I’ll be happy to help however I can.” I returned upstairs, tucked my six-months-pregnant wife in for her afternoon nap, then again returned to the main floor of our three-floor townhome to do a bit more cleaning in the kitchen. Sara interrupted me on my trip.

“Dad, I’m so sad! Nobody can play today! Katherine isn’t home, Madison is busy, Emily’s mom is sick…” she began, then trailed off with an ‘entertain me, Dad!’ kind of look.

“Well, that’s pretty sad,” I responded. “Have you tried asking if any of them can play over here?”

She siezed on this idea and called.