Author: matthew

Christy and I are busily reading “The Color Code”, by Dr. Taylor Hartman. This book is amazingly illuminating for me — I’m realizing that my attributes are not uniquely mine (plusses as well as minusses), but that they can be easily categorized and from that point I can figure out what positive and negative traits from other personality types I have.

Dr. Hartman has a “personality profile” test that one takes to begin reading the book. After taking it, most people have attributes from each of the four “primary colors”, since personalities are a rainbow of different attributes, but nevertheless one will generally win out. He has you take the test according to your earliest memory of yourself, rather than the way you are now, which definitely skewed my results heavily in one direction; that direction, though, helped me isolate which color I am.

The amazing thing to me about this approach to understanding one’s own psychology is that in taking this profile exam, you cut through the layers of bullcrap regarding birth order, sex, upbringing, and so forth. The classic “Myers-Briggs” personality profiling is less relevant too, because those talk more about thought patterns, how you relate to the world, and not the thing Dr. Hartman calls “Core Motive”.

The core motive is, fundamentally, what’s most important to you. There’s a whole lot more to it than this, but the quick summary from what I gather:

• Red: Power, productivity, leadership
• Blue: Altruism, intimacy, loyalty
• White: Peace, kindness, independence
• Yellow: Fun, popularity, action

Hmm, take a guess which one you are, then I’ll share mine.

Ready?

The picture of me on the right as of the day I posted it — my “avatar” — says it all.

I’m yellow. I mean, ALL yellow. When I took the exam, compared to my wife’s scores, I was so yellow it would be like squinting at the sun. However, I have many of the negative personality characteristics of other colors, with few of the positives. I think I know where that comes from, too — trying to be somebody I’m not for the last thirteen years.

Christy turned out to be a Blue, with a strong component of Red in there as well. Hartman provides an enlightening comment about the Blue/Red combination:

The most difficult color combination within one individual is the mixture of Red and Blue. If you are strong in both categories, you will often find yourself stepping on someone’s toes to get a task completed (Red), but feeling guilty afterward for making that person unhappy (Blue).

We’re not through the book yet, but I heartily recommend reading it, particularly reading it with your spouse. I hate to admit it, but I skipped ahead to Yellows (we’re still reading about Blues tonight, having just barely finished Reds). It’s really, really hard admitting some of the negative characteristics, but oh my golly do I have those in spades, too. And realizing they are simply an innate part of my personality, rather than some fearful force to fight against, suddenly is liberating and makes me more willing to be a whole me.

I’ve been a Yellow trying to be a combination of Blue, Red, and White for too long. So many of the attributes taught both in my church and in employment or social circles as “desirable” attributes turn out to be core attributes of entirely different personalities: Harmonious, disciplined, or serious are attributes of White, Red, and Blue.

None of them are me. And realizing I don’t have to aspire to be like something I’m not… it’s like opening the blinds and curtains after a long winter. Time to embrace the core me a bit more I think.

Yellow Personalities

Strengths

• Highly optimistic
• Likes self and accepts others easily
• Loves to volunteer for opportunities
• Sees life as an experience to be enjoyed
• Flashy and spunky (race horse rather than plow horse)
• Adventurous and daring

Weaknesses

• Irresponsible and unreliable
• Self-centered and egotistical
• Flighty and inconsistent
• Lots of talk with little action
• Superficial and mostly interested in a good time
• Unwilling to experience pain in order to produce quality
• Undisciplined
• Loud and obnoxious in public places
• Needs to look good socially
• Unable to confront issues

Relationships with a Yellow

Do:

• Be Positive
• Adore them
• Touch them physically
• Accept their playful teasing
• Remember they are tender
• Praise them
• Remember they hold feelings deeply
• Promote playful activities for and with them
• Enjoy their charismatic innocence
• Allow them opportunity for verbal expression

Don’t:

• Be too serious or sober in criticism
• Push them too intensely
• Ignore them
• Forget they have “down” times also
• Demand perfection
• Expect them to dwell on problems
• Give them too much rope or they may hang themselves
• Classify them as just lightweight social butterflies
• Attack their sensitivity
• Totally control their schedules

Apparently, I’m in the same camp with Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, and Elvis Presley as far as core personality (or, apparent core personality). Both Ronny and Bill have very, very Red wives though — and Elvis did not. Maybe that was the cause of his flame-out. Anyway, lots of cool tips for handling one’s own personality and being able to be productive despite being “the way I am”.

One thing that really really stuck out to me in the description of Yellows, is that we have a hard time sticking to a job. We get bored easily, and frequently end up in lots of different jobs simply because, although the job may remain interesting, we quickly become disenchanted and lose interest in it. That sounds an awful, awful, awful lot like me. Seven “real” jobs in nine years? Time to settle down this time, hombre, and give a hard look at perhaps finding a job where I can continue to remain interested in it.

I recently ran into problems with postfix running inside of a FreeBSD jail. It would constantly report “file too large” errors, and other errors in that vein. Since there appears to be no documentation for FreeBSD “newbies” on fixing this problem, it seems like most people default back to sendmail or exim, rather than using the excellent Postfix MTA on their virtual file systems.

I love postfix, so that is a situation I’d like to change! Here are the directions on how to get postfix working inside a FreeBSD “jail” system.

Well, the basic problem with Postfix in a FreeBSD 4.8 jail is the disconnect in the setrlimit() call in Postfix versus the kernel. You end up with spurious “file too large” errors when sending and receiving messages, which just sucks.

There’s a patch at http://www.kozubik.com/published/misc/postfix_patch_fbsd45jail

Here’s how I do this without using the above patch:

IMPORTANT NOTE: A generous reader left a clarification in a comment below this entry that may be more useful for you. My procedure works fine because you’re running “make clean” inside the postfix work directory — using Postfix’s built-in Makefile — and thus not destroying the source file you’re going to edit. However, running “make clean” from the /usr/ports/mail/postfix-current/ directory would blow away your work/ directory, nullifying the effort you’re putting into patching 🙂

1. cd usr/ports/mail/postfix-current

2. Run “make” — I normally just leave it alone and let Postfix go ahead and build itself. Not a big deal.

3. cd work/postfix-(version)/src/util

4. using your favorite text editor, open “file_limit.c”, and go to the SECOND instance of this line:

struct rlimit rlim;

(This is the one followed by “rlim.rlim_cur = rlim.rlim_max = limit;” — if you don’t see that, you’re at the wrong one)

5. Paste this line immediately after the “struct rlimit rlim” declaration, then save and exit:

limit = RLIM_INFINITY;

6. Now cd /usr/ports/mail/postfix-current/work/postfix-(version) again.

7. run “make clean”

8. run “make”

9. cd ../.. (or /usr/ports/mail/postfix-current)

10. If you’ve already installed postfix, then run “postfix stop” and “make deinstall”. Otherwise, just run “make” and then “make install” and YOU ARE DONE!

I decided that I’m finally sick of hunting through my cabinets for our family recipes, and that I wanted a place to put them that’s always available — even barring a move or a fire or whatever.

I decided that I may as well set it up so that any registered user of the site can add their favorite recipes, too. So if you have a few to swap, just log in on the right-hand side (or create an account, if you haven’t already), and post a few favorite recipes!

Without further ado, here’s my first one, for our family’s Favorite Rice Pudding! (Named after Kirsten Favorite, now Smith, of course!)

Add comments to the recipe, please, not this blog posting 🙂

“Matt, I’m going to make your tooth cold. I need you to raise your hand when it feels cold. Then rub your tongue over the tooth, and tell me when it feels normal again.”

Dr. Aaron Stobbe, my dentist, held an ice-cold Q-tip against one of my teeth. Within three seconds, I raised my arm, and after he removed the Q-tip, lowered it again about fives seconds later.

“Good, that’s a normal tooth,” he informed me.

Now the second tooth, immediately behind the one that was feeling some pressure sensitivity. Again, within three seconds, my arm was up, then down about five seconds later.

“Another normal tooth. Now let’s check out the one that’s having problems,” Dr. Stobbe said.

He held the Q-tip against my tooth. And we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

After about fifteen seconds, he explained to me that this test told him that the nerve inside this tooth is probably dead. X-Rays were inconclusive, but the cold-test was: an earlier filling had led to the death of the root.

I would need A ROOT CANAL!

“Well, we have some time right now, if you like,” Dr. Stobbe said, “we can always skip lunch”.

“Sounds good to me!” I responded, and sat back in the chair.

Now, according to Aaron Stobbe, for root canals they usually use a “Dental Dam”. This is a piece of rubber stretched over a frame to isolate a tooth from the rest of the teeth. But since the tooth was obviously already infected and dead, there was little need. He numbed me up (including a shot to the roof of my mouth that stung rather painfully), and then began the drilling.

Those of you who have had fillings before know what this is like. Really, at this point in my life, thirty years old, it’s not nearly as traumatic as it used to be. No big deal.

But something was different this time. He went deeper. And suddenly, my mouth and nose were filled with the most disgusting flavor I’d ever encountered. However, I knew it well.

“‘at hells like ro’en hotatos!” I exclaimed past his fingers.

“That smells like rotten potatos, huh? Yeah, it’s pretty gross,” responded Dr. Stobbe. “I think I mentioned, though, that there is usually a little outgassing when we break through to the nerve.”

Then he began pulling out the files. Each file is about the size of a sewing needle, with a fat, round end about the width of your pinky to hold on to. He’d use each file for just a few seconds, then get a new one. He explained that these got down into the root of the tooth and scraped out all the gunk there.

Oy, veh, and gunk it was. That stink persisted the whole time. I mean, I’ve farted good in my time, and had some really ripe ones, so I know it’s possible for my body to contain some repulsive smells. But this was just beyond imaginable, a combination of rotting fish with rotting potatos and terrible intestinal distress. I found it hard to believe my tooth harbored such foulness.

Once all the files were done (which took about fifteen minutes), he inserted a long, bended needle with a syringe of yellowish liquid. He explained it was basically bleach, similar to that used on clothes, to help disinfect the tooth. Given the smell, that makes perfect sense to me… I wouldn’t want any of that cruddy stuff sticking around.

He finished up, after putting in the disinfectant, by capping it off with a soft Plaster-of-Paris like substance. He informed me this plug was just temporary, and he’d need to see me in two weeks to “build it up”. I scheduled the appointment on the way out, rinsed with a glass of water to attempt to clear the lingering taste/smell from my mouth, called my wife, and got a ride home.

Ahh, then yesterday. I hope this story is moderately entertaining for those of you who haven’t had a root canal!

Yesterday I saw the dentist again. This time, they used the Dental Dam because it is most important that no germs make it down into the tooth. It was actually kind of cool, like a little Dream Catcher made of rubber… well, OK, there are no holes or anything, but I could kind of talk around it. I also opted for the Bite Blocker, a piece of plastic to wedge my mouth open, because holding my mouth open for that long aggravates my Trigeminal Neuralgia horribly.

He broke out the drill to break up the Plaster-of-Paris-type stuff, then used some more files to scrape out lingering bits of nerve ending and fluff from down inside the tooth canals. There was only the slightest pain this time, other than that annoying “shoot the roof of your mouth” novacaine. Again he flushed it out with the bleach-like solution.

Now, this time, after filing and cleaning, he used tweezers and these tiny strips of paper. According to him, he needed to dry the inside of those canals for the next step. The next step was to inject a type of rubber into the canals. After he’d pump some in there, he’d use a sharp metal tool to push and spread the rubber more, then chop off the exposed lumps of rubber. I wish I could have watched 🙂

Once the rubber was in the canals, the rest of the operation was very much like your basic filling: pump in some filling material, use a little ultraviolet light to cure it, pump in some more, cure it, and more, cure it. Then, finally, he ground down the epoxy-like stuff to more closely resemble a tooth (I really have trouble seeing the difference, except that a dentist’s work now is a bit “smoother” than a natural tooth), had me bite on the test strip to make sure my bite was even, ground a little more, and said “have a nice day!”

Total price: $650.

A root canal definitely wasn’t the hellish ordeal I thought it would be. It’s no picnic, but the second half of the procedure was peaceful enough that, actually, I fell asleep partway through it! I woke myself up because I was snoring!

I’m going to remember the “cold test”, though. I think I may have a second tooth, that also had a “deep filling” that may have damaged the root, which may require the same treatment. This time, because so much of the tooth was saved, there was no need for a cap according to my dentist. We’ll see how it goes I guess!

Christy and I just returned 45 minutes ago from Nash and Timi Granados’ 2003 Halloween Party. Unfortunately, it appears this is the last such party in Tooele City, as they are headed back to California to follow employment. We wish them all the best, and as always, fab party dudes!

Click here to get to the photo album.

You may have noticed that many of the more controversial entries here at barnson.org have been removed. They still exist in the database, but have had their “publish” tag removed. Click “read more” below to read more about this.

It all started with a call to my mother as I was returning from the zoo with my two sons Saturday evening. I phoned my mother to ask if we could stop in. She said we could.

During our visit, I finally revealed to Mom, more than a year after I’d revealed this to my wife, that I was no longer a “believer” — I’m pretty firmly non-religious, and have come across enough evidences in Church-sponsored materials regarding the LDS church that, should I ever change my mind regarding organized religion, I’m fairly certain the LDS church is not where I’d want to go. Too much baggage, y’know?

That started the snowball. I encouraged her to read more about me on my weblog. She did, and ran across the one really negative entry regarding the Church here. Silly me for posting.

I won’t go into too many details, but the rejection, anger, and hyperbole flew quickly as she called my two sisters-in-law to commiserate. At least two then called my wife, newly returned from vacation, to complain about me. Which meant she was not happy dealing with irate in-laws, and that unhappiness translated right to me.

During our discussion last night, of my own accord I simply yanked them. Pulled them. They still exist, and if any individual wants a print-out, or digital copy emailed to them, feel free to request it and I will help you out. They will no longer be published on the main barnson.org site — instead, this main site will simply be neutral news about the Barnsons. I will be maintaining my own personal weblog at http://barnson.org/matthew/ which will contain my more personal and intimate thoughts and journal.

Thanks for your understanding; I apologize for yanking this without any notice. The family pressure was just too much to bear, even if I think I’m doing the right thing presenting the truth and my opinions.

I’m sorry, but comments are not allowed on this weblog entry. I have no desire to further stir the pot. Thank you. If you are a Barnson and wish to post news to the front page of this site, just sent me an email (it’s pretty easy to figure out my email address) or else a private message via this site if you’re logged in, and I can promote you to a “Barnson” on the site with ability to post front-page news.

CORRECTION: my mother did not call either sister to commiserate; apparently, they called her.

Christy and I just walked in the door after picking her up from the airport.

She’s my joy and my life, and I’m so glad she and Sara are home! We’re busily uploading pictures from her New Hampshire trip right now, and we’ll try to get comments on them over the next couple of days if we can. Anyway, check the “images & photos” link on the right-hand side, then click “Matthew & Christy’s Album”, then the “Christy & Sara in New Hampshire” album to get there and check them out.

In particular, here are some of my faves. If you have a color printer, really high-resolution (1280×960) copies are only one more click away on the larger picture you’ll get after this one. Or else you can click the “print this photo on Shutterfly” link, and for a reasonable fee Shutterfly will print out the photo and ship it to you:

If you want to leave any comments, you have to be logged into the site (login on the right-hand side of this page; you can create a new account, or use your Jabber, Drupal, or Yahoo ID from another site). Creating an account is quick and free. To go “up” to the original album in the large version of the photo, just click the “Album: Christy & Sara in New Hampshire” link on the upper right-hand side of any picture.

So, today appears to be a dramatic day in my life. My sister-in-law just called; I think she’ll be OK with me posting my response to her email. If you aren’t, sister, let me know! Plus my mother is heading over in a few hours to “have a chat and dinner” with me. We had a really, really good talk the other night. She sounded pretty hostile on the phone, though.

I’ve substituted “Sister” for my sister-in-law’s name, and “My Wife” for all instances of my wife’s name.

Thanks for your note. Please forgive me if I sound at all defensive; you’re welcome to call (I’m home right now because I’ll be working Saturday — XXX.XXX.XXXX) to clear any questions up.

Sister, unfortunately, you’ve never known me that well. The “views I cherish the most” have been, in part, love, laughter, friendship, music, and intellect. There are more, but those are some. These are not incompatible with my current outlook. Why not get to know me better before you decide to slam me about my philosophies on life, love, and religion?

| but it didn’t sound like you at all.

I’ve always been a happy person. At seventeen, I decided to try to put that “light-minded” part of me behind me and knuckle down to being a serious Mormon. I did that for twelve years, putting all my doubts on a shelf in the back of my mind.

One day, the shelf collapsed, and I was left with a choice: put myself out of my misery, or deal with all my doubts and start fresh. I eventually told my wife that I was agnostic (actually, I used the word “atheist”, but religious people tend to misinterpret that as “anti-religion” rather than its true meaning, “not one who promotes theism, or god-view”). I’d rather choose life than killing myself, thanks.

| WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR MIND??

You make it sound as if something is wrong, when it’s actually something that’s so right! I can finally be honest with myself and other people about what I think and feel, instead of piling it all up silently in my mind and presenting this fake cheerful front.

| Do you realize how upset your mom is over all of this?

Yes, I know it upset her. I’m not happy that she’s unhappy. I’ve been agnostic in my mind for six years, and a declared, or “out” agnostic for one year. I figured it was finally time to clue her in — particularly, since I won’t be baptizing Sara in a month or so. I mean, what’s the alternative: let her live in a lie the rest of her life as to what I believe? She did everything she could to bring us up right, and she did. She taught me to think for myself, a passion for life, and a desire to do good. These wonderful attributes which she has in abundance are not derived from the Church!

| Do you realize that this is going to hurt not only you but your | family?

I’ve been through the hurt, and you can’t make me feel much worse about the way other people feel about my personal philosophies. I’d rather be honest than dead; I’ll live with the consequences. I cannot control your feelings, or my wife’s, or my mother’s, or my brother’s. I am responsible for myself. Although I empathize, and tried to break the news to my mom as gently as I could, how much more gently could I have done it.

Right, I could have kept lying. That doesn’t work for me.

| Do you realize that everything that you hold dear to your heart might |leave because of your current views on life?

My wife has been very clear on what will and will not make her leave me. I have no desire to lose my wife or children. I love them very dearly; my feelings about religion have absolutely nothing to do with my feelings towards my family. I think, over the last year as my wife has become accustomed to my non-religiousness, that she’s begun to understand this. I wish other people would.

| What made you decide to change?

Nothing “made me” decide to change. I finally reached the point where lying about what I thought about religion became more unbearable than telling the truth. I’m not sure exactly what caused the snap, but I think it was the birth of Elijah. From around March until July of 2002, I was trying to reconcile the fact that I’d never received the burning in the bosom”, and what few “spiritual” feelings or impressions I had felt were felt in equal measure by people of other religions, as well as those of no faith. I asked a friend that I knew had left the church for advice on how he dealt with his lack of belief (IMPORTANT NOTE: I already knew I lacked belief, I was just trying to communicate it to my family at this point!!!), and he shared his experiences. I tried his approach, and learned that writing a letter about my beliefs, given the intensely personal and loving relationship my wife and I usually enjoy, was the wrong choice.

Now I know, that’s why I wanted to talk to my Mom in person. I can’t communicate my sincerity to you over email like I can in person. I’m serious about keeping my family, and serious about the fact that I am a skeptic, too.

| DO I NEED TO COME ALL THE WAY FROM MARYLAND AND KICK YOU IN THE | BUTT!!

I’d love to see you, regardless of your reasons.

| My family was partially torn apart because of Brian’s views on | religion.

Brian and I are very, very different people. I know a lot of other people that have allowed religion to tear apart their families. I am determined to not be one of them. I will not break my marriage vows willingly. I am committed to my relationship. Maybe my wife will decide to leave me because she loves the Church more than she loves me.

I sure hope not. A religious institution is not a warm companion at night.

And the oaths you take in the temple are never, ever to God — they are always to the Church, with God as a witness. That’s one of the things that led me to where I am now.

| I couldn’t take the religion bashing anymore.

I confine my religious discussion, in large part, to my weblog and mailing lists where people, by joining, express their desire to engage in religious discussion. I’ve told my wife she’s welcome to read my blog, and invited her specially to read a few entries that I felt were particularly poignant. Perhaps you may find one enlightening too:

http://barnson.org/node/view/112

| You are going to lose everything that have worked for….you house,your family, your mother…everything.

No, I’m not. My mother will continue to love me; although I suspect our relationship will change, if anything I feel much closer by this admission.

My family? They are the most important thing in my life. I think I’ve made that abundantly clear. MY CORE VALUES HAVE NOT CHANGED!!!! I’m simply not a believer. I’m ethical, moral, and I try to be 100% honest in my dealings with my fellow men. Honesty is the most important thing in my life. I fall short sometimes, but I’m gaining ground. I don’t need to be brutal — I just need to tell the truth, in actions as well as in words.

| Matt, I adore you and your family.

Thanks, we like you too. I, particularly, am fond of you and grateful that you are still a part of our circle of relatives despite your divorce from my brother.

| You are apart of my family even though I am divorced from Brian.

I’m happy for that!

| You are my brother and I care about you and worry about you guys alot. This whole thing makes me very very mad and sad at the same time. Sad because what it will do to you in the long run…think hard about what you really believe…..and what put you into this place. Your mom told me you lost your job…..you about to lose more than that if you don’t reevalaute everything.

I’ve had seven jobs in nine years. Getting laid off from a job is not a big deal to me — it may be lean for a time, but we’ll find another. I’d really, really, really like to find a place that doesn’t start shutting down shortly after me joining. At this point, I chalk that up to bad luck and timing, riding on startups during the dot-com boom and bust.

And Sister, it is “reevaluating everything” that got me to where I am in the first place. If you’re too busy, with no time to think because you’re constantly shuttling to and fro with church and family duties, you lack the time to really contemplate your place in the Universe. I made the time. I took long walks by myself to think. I take public transportation so that I have time to write notes about where my thoughts lead me, and to actually step back and gain some perspective on my life. It’s calming and peaceful to realize my place on the planet, and to try to approach my relationships with others as the real, live, people they are, rather than as something I want something from.

Your experience is not my experience. I have no desire to “bash the church”, and take particular care not to introduce my ideas to any who are not a willing audience. By visiting my site, you have made yourself a willing audience.

My wife and I are doing OK, with some rough spots. We’re going through some therapy. The reality is, we get along pretty darn well, except for this large rough patch involving the church. To soothe your mind, I don’t plan on taking up lying, stealing, backbiting, cursing, drinking, smoking, chewing tobacco, or attempting to pick up any other bad habits. My sole desire was to rid myself of this monkey on my back my whole life. That monkey is fear, which the Church uses liberally to keep members in line, and which it seems nearly all religions apply without conscience of the repercussions.

I REFUSE to be afraid anymore. I will take my lumps like a man, and be happy that I’m being honest and true to my conscience. I hope with all my heart that my wife does not decide to abandon this family over her beliefs, and I think we’ll work through this. My family is my duty, my responsibility, and passion.

Your bad experience will not be mine if I can possibly help it.

My position is simply this: I don’t know. Religion appears to be mostly a game of who can con who, but you know what? I wasn’t there, so I don’t know. I don’t know if there are gods, pixies, imps, or fire-breathing dragons. I don’t know if there’s such a thing as “The Spirit”, or if it’s just a label people give emotions that don’t have other words to describe them. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow.

I DO know that I love my family dearly, and the singular most important purpose in my life, beyond being honest, is to preserve it at any price that does not involve dishonesty. Everything else comes after that. I find some time here and there for hobbies, games, and maintaining a few web sites.

I really think if two people are committed to a relationship, they canwork it out. If one of them decides that something else is more important than their relationship, then that leads to the relationship falling apart. I know exactly where I stand.

I read this posting today one of my bulletin boards. It was so beautiful and meaningful to me, to read these words from someone else going through the same thing I’m going through, and in the process of considering similar conclusions, that I had to preserve them. In case you didn’t know, posts on that board get deleted after just a few weeks; I felt this one deserved longer-term treatment.

———————————-

So I strongly believed. I was among those that even imagined having feelings of knowing somebody from the preexistence, had a relationship with her father in heaven, and thought that Christ really knew her and had suffered pain because of all the times she had been bad. My life was so intertwined with religion that it was part of my every thought.

At first I distanced myself from the church because of my faith in god. I became angry that his name was used to reach worthless goals that had nothing to do with real brotherly love, or even plain kindness. I felt sincerely offended because I loved god and I thought he was different. As I slowly began to leave the church, at first I sincerely missed the chance to meet with people and talk about god. So once, while in Rome I went to Saint Peter’s and went to talk to one of the many priests. I asked him if he was sure that god existed – he thought the question was rather bizarre, it was so obvious to him, it was as if I had asked him if he was sure the sun was in the sky. He said that sometimes he had doubted, but then the evidence that god existed was so plain that he could not deny it. He said that everything was a witness that there was a god.

I began to realize how ironic it was that the greatest injustices were almost always carried under the banner of some god. Starting from the Spanish inquisition, to witch-burning, to European missionaries destroying entire races of people in south America. I thought about protestant missionaries feeling it was their duty (being chosen by god)to destroy a people’s way of living, and reducing native American populations to a miserable state. I thought of Muslim anger for those who don’t believe in their same god and don’t follow their same rules. All in all, religion has been responsible for an unimaginable amount of evil.

As I thought of the people that had done good, they were never responsible for pushing people to believe in their same religion: mother Teresa of Calcutta, for example, only did good, and never preached. Gandhi never told people to believe in his same god. Rev. Martin Luther King fought peacefully for freedom but never pushed his religious beliefs. I can’t think of anything good that has ever come out of organized religions. Not one.

So, why is there such concern about how it is best to worship god, and which rules he likes best? Does god really want to be worshiped in the first place? Does he want people to pray using a certain name or kneeling a certain way? Does he care the least about all the religious stuff?

I came to my personal conclusion that god wasn’t at all about religion. That made some sense to me.

Religion is a way to explain the unexplainable, give a name to things that cannot be understood, and look into the invisible. If religion didn’t really exist – meaning, if religion cannot be relied upon – then how would god communicate with us? Which, consequently, had me think on whether he really wanted to.

So, I was left with a god that had no name, no characteristics, no message, and especially, no involvement in our lives. He was just an entity. Did he create the world, or did he just let it evolve on its own? Does he care about people or does he just let them live their lives? In other terms: what the heck does he do? Could I seriously remember anything that god had actually done? All the so-called spiritual experiences were nothing but warm-fuzzies, all the times that god had apparently helped out somebody now stood against all the times that god had done nothing for starving populations, people dying in earthquakes, wars, tortures, rapes, violence of every kind, drought, floods, storms.

A god that cannot be understood, a god with an incomprehensible behavior, a god that cannot be seen or felt, an entity that has done nothing… is that a god? I no longer believed so. I no longer believed.

So here I am. When I see a sunset I still feel emotional – but now it’s not because god is so good he created the pretty colors in the sky, but because the earth is beautiful, and I am part of it. I no longer do good because I know it is my duty, but because I want to, because I think the world can be so much better if we all were nicer to each other. I am alive now, and I want to make the most out of my life. I don’t have any consoling feeling of an after life to make up for my daily frustrations. Now I take up the responsibility of finding happiness in the present. I feel whole.

If that’s what not believing in god does to people, I am glad I have been disillusioned about god and religion. As I look at the way I lived my life before, I am sorry it took me so long to get out of it.

The only reason I didn’t go out on a “hot” date tonight is because my regular date’s about 2,000 miles away visiting a friend in New Hampshire right now.

But, after getting home from work at about 6 PM, I went out on a date with my two sons (age five and 18 months). We picked up some KFC (mmm, eight pieces plus a big tub of macaroni and cheese, baby!), “Daddy Day Care” from Blockbuster, popped some popcorn, grabbed a fat box of Mike ‘n Ike’s candy, and proceeded to gorge ourselves silly on greasy food and candy while laughing our heads off at the television. The reviewers said this movie was terrible, but with the right company, you’d laugh yourself silly at it too. My oldest son remembers being in day care and preschool, and he thought the movie was insightful and charming. In different words, of course…

You know, I’m usually depressed when my wife leaves town, but right now, LIFE IS GOOD.

Or maybe it’s just the SUGAR RUSH. And the eight pounds I put on chowing down on all that stuff. Thank heaven for Pepto-Bismol.

And you know what? I do have the sweetest wife in the world. Because she’s the girl that prepared a special brown bag for every single day that she’s going to be gone, each day with a special treat or idea so that we won’t get lonely or bored. She put the candy and microwave popcorn in the bag, along with her Blockbuster card to remind me. She knows Mike ‘n Ike’s are my fave. And my sons and I enjoyed the crap out of each other tonight. And we’re going to enjoy going to the zoo even more tomorrow — thanks to her reminder in the form of tickets in another bag.

Too bad it’s the middle of the night where she’s at right now, or I’d call and leave her a big telephone hug.