This is yet another excerpt from a conversation I’ve been having on one of my mailing lists. If you’re not into religious recovery, you probably won’t be into this one. If you are into discussion about theology, philosophy, and personal choice, you might be interested.
We have a newcomer to the list, by the name of Leanne. She had this to say:
I have been reading lots of the posts since I joined this group awhile ago now. I feel like a freak. Are there any members of this group that actually miss the church? I wish it was so true I wish I could go back in time to the time before I knew the church wasnt true. There must be some people out there that are sad about having all your memories and dreams dashed??? I would appreciate hearing from anyone that shares my feelings. Thanks Leanne
Leanne,
I apologize in advance for the length of my post. I generally only write if something has touched a nerve…
It’s taken me a year to get where I am now (still quite “attached” to the church in family and environment, yet being completely open with all about my non-belief). A year ago, I was right where you are now. I was on the cusp; the decision lay before me to continue to say one thing with my mouth, and believe something else.
The night that I told my wife about my nonbelief, I cried into my pillow for over an hour. I normally don’t cry. As I wept, my wife comforted me, and I kept saying “it’s just so hard; I really want it to be true.” I look back now and think it’s a testament to my wife’s devotion that she chose not to try to dissuade me; if she had, at that vulnerable point, I may have chosen to live a lie the rest of my life. I’m certain that, had I done so, my life would have been short. Forcing myself to say one thing yet believe another had driven me to the brink of despair, where I needed to either put a bullet in my head and be done with it, or face my disbelief squarely and try to mend the gulf in my mind between what I wanted to believe, and what was real.
The more outspoken ones on this list tend to be those who have gone past that hard part, and are growing more firm (or are firm) in their newfound beliefs/non-beliefs — whatever those are. I’ve been on this list only a little over a month, and the reassurance I’ve gained from people has helped enormously, for me to take positive strides in my life, slowly end my fence-sitting, and improve my relationship with my wife and children. I feel less like a freak than I did before.
What you’re feeling is perfectly normal. Once you’ve gained the perspective that your hope for the church to be “true” is right there with your longing for the days when you believed your parents invulnerable, or when you thought yourself immortal, it gets easier.
Losing faith is a painful experience. With my current non-religious perspective, it seems like you face a choice:
- Replace your faith with another. You may choose to seek comfort in another congregation of believers in something. In particular, Christian or non-denominational religious bodies would welcome you with open arms, and you might find that what you really miss is the fellowship of others who believe in God or Jesus (or something else). That’s up to you. There are many who go this road, and find it satisfying.
- Rebel against this system, and choose some belief system that is widely despised in the U.S. (assuming you’re in the U.S.), such as Wicca, Satanism, or New-Age psychology.
- Learn to live without faith, and figure out a label for yourself. Or live without a label. Agnosticism/Atheism/Bright-ism/non-dogmatic Taoism or Buddhism and other philosphies bring strength to some who research them. Many incorporate portions of those philosophies into their own lives and draw strength from them. Living without the comfort of another “Church” is very difficult, but can also be satisfying. For those who wish fellowship to still be some portion of their non-religious practices, the Unitarian Universalists or Secular Humanist congregations can still grant that feeling of fellowship without much in the way of dogma to interfere in the lives of their patrons.
My road was to choose to live with a naturalistic worldview. Who knows, one day I may embrace faith, if I have a sufficiently compelling subjective experience to cause me to wish to do so. I don’t think that’s going to happen, though, and I think I’d question my subjectivity if I did.
You’re not weird for desparately wanting the Church to be true. It would make life so much simpler. But for those who see past the lies, attempting to gain true fulfillment through faith in the Church just doesn’t work. There are some for whom it’s a fit, and some for whom it is not.
Welcome to the world of the rest of us misfits.
I, for one, am happy to hear someone else express the same feelings I’ve had. I feel less like a freak for feeling that way now .