I started to think about having kids last weekend. And I realized that the reason for having kids is basically to force them into a career track with high potential for earning a lot of money so that I can retire earlier than I would if the kid had failed in life by ending up a bum like me.
The NFL league minimum is $760,000.
My theory is to cut the umbilical cord, put Sammy G, Jr. behind a tee, and to start kicking field goals. How many kids grow up wanting to be a field goal kicker? Low competition, low injury rate, high pay. Gary Anderson has been in the league for over 20 years, still kicking field goals.
All my kid has to do is start practicing early in life, for at least an hour a day. Who else grows up wanting to be a field goal kicker? This is a position for which no one has to even be in shape. Slim competition to make it to the big leagues if you start them early enough. Walk on the field, kick the ball 50 yards straight, walk off the field, collect paycheck, give half of it to Dad.
What if we started a field goal kicker’s clinic? DUDE. We get Caleb, Joey and G Jr. to start working out at our own summer clinic. Show people the amazing results: here’s how your kid can become a wealthy dynamo and set you on your way to early retirement. What do you need to start a clinic anyway? Field, ball, goal posts, leg machine. Check.
Unless I’m missing other high wealth careers that would be easier to get kids into?
Get In Groove, Sammy G
gender confusion
I have 4 daughters and no sons. Do you think this plan would work for me?
Marriage
Field goal kickers need wives too…or female lawyers if they pull a Kobe 🙂
Female Marquee
I think this plan would worlk exceptionally well for you, Paul. Fathering the first professional female football player would be a novelty. Your daughters would not only bring the league minimum salary but lots of sponsorship bucks. I think if you were able to get all four of your daughters into the league, then you would be a staple guest on late-night talk shows as well.
Goalies too
Sam,
It seems that Americans are taking over the world’s mos popular sport: soccer. But not in the way you’d think….
Americans play basketball, baseball, football. All these sports require exceptional hand-eye coordination. Soccer, on the other hand, is all about hand-foot coordination. So all those silly Europeans have fancy footwork, but compared to us Americans, have those little veloci-raptors stubs for hands.
What does this mean? There is an untapped mine of positions on all those European soccer teams for American goalies! Stand your boy up in a home-made goal and kick balls at him ALL DAY LONG! Teach him how to drop-kick a soccer ball. There’s just as much money to be made there as in place-kicking.
There’s more possibility of injury, I believe, but also more possibility of being the “man”.
And if you’re really good, you can marry the pretty Spice Girl and then sleep with your agent.
My $.02 Weed
Already Happening
Tim Howard is the current starting goalkeeper for the Manchester United football club, arguably the most popular sports team in the world. Tim Howard is from New Jersey. I believe he is the first U.S. player to start for a British football club.
The only problem with this is that there are, most likely, millions of kids growing up around the world who want to become goalkeepers. The competition is high.
slap, pop
You know, Sammy, Joey’s still waiting for his first bass lesson. How can my son fill in for John Entwistle on the next Who tour if he doesn’t get started soon?
— Ben Schuman Mad, Mad Tenor