So today, I decided to just throw out a few jokes rather than a serious, thoughtful, or insightful blog. Feel free to add your own. The theme of the day seems easy enough to discern; please keep comments as clean as possible 🙂
A firefighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter takes a closer look.
“That sure is a nice fire-truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration.
“Thanks,” the girl says. The firefighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.
“Little Partner,” the firefighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”
The little girl replies thoughtfully, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.
And today, as a special deal, you get a bonus joke!
What do you name a dog with no hind legs and stainless-steel testicles?
Sparky.
— Matthew P. Barnson – – – – Thought for the moment: No extensible language will be universal. — T. Cheatham
More…
What do you name a dog with no legs at all? Cigarette Butt because every few hours you have to take him out to have a drag.
——– Visit my blog, eh! The Murphy Maphia
No arms and legs
What do you call….
A man with no arms and legs in front of your door? Matt.
A man with no arms and legs hanging on the wall? Art
A man with no arms and legs in the water? Bob
A woman with no arms and legs in a frying pan? Patty
A woman with one leg? Eileen
A cow with no legs? Ground beef
A cow with two legs? Lean Beef..
hee hee hee
Lawyers
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Take yer foot off his head.
What do you call a lawyer neck-deep in cow manure? Not enough manure.
Hmm, wait, Ben’s planning on being a lawyer… hee hee 🙂
—
Matthew P. Barnson
More Lawyers
Why don’t snakes bite lawyers? Professional courtesy.
What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
— Ben
Elbow
Dr. Morris Fishbein calls Miami to tell his mom, Sadie, that he’s going to visit her for the High Holidays. She’s giving him directions to her condo.
“You’ll come to the front door of the condo complex. I’m unit 1501. There’s a big panel at the door. With your elbow, push the button for 1501. I’ll buzz you in.Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and,with your elbow, hit 15. When you get out, I’m on the left. Hit my doorbell with your elbow.”
“Mom, that sounds easy, but why all this with my elbow?”
“What, you’re coming empty-handed?!”
EDIT by matthew: Linked “High Holidays” for those people who may not know what they are.
Funnies
Two Irish guys walk out of a bar…
*******
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ”Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?” When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ”God Almighty !” shouted Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good” and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ”Who is our Lord and Savior?” But Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ”Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good,” and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ”What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ”If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!” The Teacher fainted.
*******
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ”Who is this?”
”This is the maid,” answers the woman.
”We don’t have a maid,” says the man.
The woman says, ”I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.”
The man says, ”Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
The woman replies, ”She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.”
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ”Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”
The maid says, ”What will I have to do?”
The man tells her, ”I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she’s with.”
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ”What do I do with the bodies?”
The man says, ”Throw them in the swimming pool.”
Puzzled, the maid answers, ”But you don’t have a pool.”
A long pause and the man says, ”Is this 567-5309?”
Weed
They do it bigger in Texas
TEXAS VOLKSWAGEN A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, “Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls? “The guy in the Rolls says, “Yes, of course I do..” “I got one too… see?” the Texan says. “Uh, huh, yes, that’s very nice.” “You got a fax machine?” asks the Texan. “Why, actually, yes, I do.” “I do too! See? It’s right here!” brags the Texan. The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, “So, do you have a double bed in back there?” The guy in the Rolls replies, “NO! Do you?” “Yep, got my double bed right in back here,” the Texan replies. The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately go’s to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. > > ======================= > > (It’s ok… The joke is CLEAN.) > > ====================== The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, “Hey, remember me?” “Yeah, yeah, I remember you,” replies the Texan, “What’s up?” “Check this out…I got a double bed installed in my Rolls” The Texan exclaims, “YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?” Teresa the Flautist and fire dancer
This One’s For Weed
A guy from Baltimore walks into a pub in Ireland and announces to the crowd of drinkers: “I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin’ fools. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes the offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up and taps the Baltimoron on the shoulder.
“Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
“Yes.” The bartender lines up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back-to-back.
The Baltimoron gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”