Names have been removed to protect the innocent.
I’ve been pretty honest about my feelings in my blogs, especially when it comes to my really strong desire to resolidify waning friendships that time makes distant, not fonder.
Then, a couple of months ago, someone I dated in my last year of high school, first year of college – emailed me (we’ve actually been friendly over the last few years, IMing and stuff) and she had egosurfed – searched for herself on the internet.. and the search brought up a reference in the top 10 hits – to my Livejournal.
She was unhappy – and let me know it. I changed the journal.. its fixed now, and we’ve moved past that and remain friendly. but it was a tense spot in a relationship with a tense past that we maintain because its kind of nice to be able to have a mature passing relationship with someone who you used to be dysfunctional with. Its nice.
Here’s the irony. I posted awhile back about another friend who found her name on barnson – top 10 on her egosurf. We had been friends for years, even into adulthood – but she moved away and when she came back, she seemed to be “busy” when I tried to schedule a lunch or something. Eventually, I began to fear there was a hint I was missing.. so, confused, I stopped calling.
Almost a year ago, I ran into her at a movie, and she said something about her name being on barnson. I explained the site, kind of what we do here, and she seemed cool – although she did joke that she wished I had mentioned that she was highly qualified at at her career and that people should hire her. I told her I would. We laughed, and said we’d get together for coffee as soon as our schedules permitted.
I was ecstatic – and did make a post with a complimentary title, and emailed it to her. The post was about long lost friends, but started with a glowing positive review of her professionally.. a review I stand by, because I’ve worked with her and she’s really talented. The post itself was eloquent (I’ve been told) and positive, and I expected it to elicit conversation, break the 3 year old ice, and.. it didn’t.
I never got a return email. I never saw her after that, and when I discovered a mutual friend of ours had her on MySpace, I invited her as a friend. She never responded. She probably won’t.
I find myself not angry.. just.. hurt – and I feel dumb. Its not like we’ve been hanging out. I do know that somewhere I must have goofed. I don’t know where, and there’s no way to apologize (“Hey (Anonymous), haven’t chatted in a year, didn’t get a MySpace accept, what’d I do?” – yeah, I think its lame too – so cant do that). I just hate the idea that there’s this person who was once a dear friend, who now sees me as someone not to know – and my feelings are hurt. There’s little I can do (except not mention names, I guess) and I feel I have to chalk her friendship up next to lost friends, youth, and old Star Wars toys as yet another thing from my past that was misplaced – that you wish you could find – but seems unfindable, and you don’t quite know when you lost it.
Opposite Sex
I’ve found that relationships with the opposite sex polarize over the years. It’s tough to maintain a cordial relationship when contact has been lost, largely because of… well, here’s a scenario from when I had been married four years.
(Phone rings) Me: Hello? Her: Hi! Uhh, is this Matthew Barnson? Me: Yes, who’s this? Her: This is SoandSo Jones. How’ve you been?
(Miscellaneous chitchat about life and whatnot)
Her: So how is your wife? Me: Umm, she’s great! What about you, any spouse? Her: No, well, I just went through this messy divorce…
(Yak for five minutes about her divorce…)
Me: Well, umm, it’s been great talking to you. Her: You too! How are you and your wife getting along? Me: (stammering) No, really, I have to go now. Thanks for calling.
There are a few whom I’ve renewed acquaintance with, and if they were old girlfriends or almost-girlfriends, the weird thing is, I remember exactly how I felt about them, and had the situation been different, how I’d feel about them today. It’s a dissonant note in these kinds of relationships. It’s an undercurrent pervading the symphony of friendship, and lots of people are completely uncomfortable with it.
I just come to grips with it, and try to exude massive “I’m totally a non-threatening, non-sexual, not-very-romantic-looking person” vibe when talking to them 🙂 It seems as if this non-flirty approach works, by and large… Heck, even a female co-worker has commented to me that I “just don’t seem like a guy who’s remotely interested in cheating on his wife”. I thought that was an odd comment coming from anybody at work, though!
Then, of course, there is an uncomfortable reality with certain people: I’m really not that important to them. I never was, and probably never will be. I think about people I knew in junior high who I thought would be a vital, permanent part of my life, and I have no idea where they are now. Some don’t return my letters, or if they do, they are noncommittal and short.
Friendship is work, and like it or not, most of us don’t like work 🙂
— Matthew P. Barnson – – – – Thought for the moment: Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.