So here’s a question for you guys: what, in your opinion, makes for a happy marriage?
I ask this because I found myself thinking of one of Sammy G’s relatives over this weekend. Sammy, his Mom, and I took a trip to new Jersey to check out Rutgers. (I shoulda’ gone there! Or maybe UMBC… anyway…) At one point, we had a big dinner and as we were walking out, this immensely fat old dude (Sammy’s relative) quips, “This is the secret to long life: lots of cigars, lots of good food, and lots of good friends. These health nuts, they run every day. They lift weights. They eat right. They still die at thirty-five of a heart attack. Me, I smoke a cigar every day, have never run a day in my life, drink too much, and I’m old.” (I don’t remember how old he was then, but it seemed immensely old to me.)
That ties in, for me, because genetics play such a huge role in an individual’s lifespan. Many people have perfect teeth, not because they take care of them, but because their genes create good teeth without regard for hygiene. Many people live a long time not due to their diet and exercise choices, but because of their genetic composition.
Admittedly, lifestyle plays an important role, but I can’t help but wonder: Could genetics also play an important role in fidelity and marital satisfaction? I’m happy and fairly satisfied with my relationship with my wife, and I can’t help but wonder why I seem to have an easier time remaining content with a monogamous relationship than some others.
Life, not Marriage..
1st – Life: The dude was wrong about long life (although I salute him and hope his is the exception).. as an RN, I can tell you that the vast majority of my patients who are the absolute sickest were smokers, drinkers, overeaters, and non-exercisers ten years ago.
NOW they are COPD suffering, diabetic amputees in congestive heart failure.. and like Jacob Marley, they try to tell those around them to change their lives so the same fate is not suffered, and no one listens.
Adult Diabetes is more lifestyle than genetic, so is lung cancer, heart disease, and you know what.. the bad teeth people.. many of them just didn’t brush.
Visit the Official Justin Timpane Website Music, Acting, and More! http://www.timpane.com
Sick people…
And here I was taught while eating green Jell-o salad, drinking Kool-Aid, and vegetating in front of the TV that the sickest people were those who thought about sex all the time or laughed too loudly or were light-minded. Now I learn that you should have sex at least five times a week for good prostate health, if you’re going to laugh it should be a loud belly laugh for maximum benefit, and light-minded people don’t have to take antidepressants.
Go figure.
—
Matthew P. Barnson
To Control Sex is To Control People
To tell someone that sex is bad is to tell someone they are bad, because sex is a fundamental part of being human. If you can convince a person that sex is bad, then you can convince them of anything.
The reason the majority of sex offenders are men is because men have a much higher sex drive, so they are the ones who get warped when they can’t reconcile their sex drives with their religious teachings.
I really felt the description of the sacred feminine/pagan religion in “Da Vinci Code” had a good point. Regardless of whether or not Dan Brown made up half the stuff he wrote about, to celebrate the union of man and woman, both sexual and in general, makes more sense than the male-dominated religious edicts of most Judeo-Christian religions (not all, mind you). The reason we are born is to procreate, to give of ourselves to our children, the only true immortality. The only way to do that is by sex. So why not celebrate that act, instead of making it a shameful thing?
Btw, you were taught that loud laughter was BAD? Hi ho, Hi ho, it’s off the Hell I go!
And there’s nothing more adverse to my state of mind than the idea you must be serious all the time. To be Weed is to embrace humor as a way of life.
My $.02 Weed
Marriage, not Life
For me, the trick to the long and happy marriage lies in these ideas.. (and I think I am the 2nd longest married here, no?)
1) Transparency: No secrets, no spending money the other knows about.. no “other” friendships that are unbeknownst.. but an open book with nothing hidden. It can be far too easy to grow resentment, too easy to have an affair, too easy for bad habits to develop on their own.
2) Commitment: Simple.. make the decision that you ARE going to grow old together, and that Divorce is NOT an option – but realize that it happens to people who make that commitment.. so be on the lookout for known marriage-killers (money and sex being the top two).
3) Boundaries: Especially when fighting. You’re gonna argue, but name-calling, cursing, and of course physicality loses the battle. The fight should remain issue-centered, and it is fine to BE angry or sad.. but that is never an excuse to “act out”.
4) Don’t go to bed angry: I watched a marriage dissolve one couch-spent night after the next. They would get mad.. one would sleep on the couch.. then they would kiss up in the morning.. but nothing was resolved.. so the fights got nastier and nastier.. and the nights on a couch sometimes wouldnt end in the morning.. and it is a KILLER. Sleep close together, having made up.
5) Separate lives: Seems to contradict #1? Not at all. You should each have a part of life that is your own. This is especially for the housewives who just work in thehouse with the kids, which is also the purview of the husband. Even if its a group, a hobby, a part time job, school, whatever.. people need individual goals – and it allows people to never feel trapped. THEN.. share your experiences with each other.. and you can enjoy each others’ lives vicariously.
There are more.. some in the bedroom, some in the managing of the house.. but these are some of the most important now..
Who’s next?
Visit the Official Justin Timpane Website Music, Acting, and More! http://www.timpane.com
Trust, Communication, and Support…
I think this is along the same lines as Justin has been writing about.
I am not sure about the length of marriage of the other barson’s here, Michelle and I have been married for a little more then 10 years now.
Trust in a relationship is vital. You have to trust your partner if it is going to succeed. You have to trust that they will stay committed to the relationship and to the family.
Communication and Support is another aspect. It is Good to sit down and discuss what the other’s wants are. What do they want out of life. Some will be similar, some will be complimentary, and some will be a “solo” project that they want to accomplish. Communicate these desires and dreams. Then support them. Even if you are against the collection of Garden Gnomes, if it is something that the other partner is passionate about doing, then support them. One of the hard lessons that Michelle and I have learned is that just because one of us brings up something that is bothering us, it doesn’t mean that we are looking for the other to fix it. It is nice to be able to share the stresses of everyday life without tempering them. Share your feelings and listen to theirs, but know that you don’t have to solve it all.
Compromise
My 10-year anniversary is this summer, and the week after that, Dani and I will have been together 17 years.
I agree with everything Justin and Wandering Moose have said. But I want to add something else that’s more practical: compromise.
Marriage is, in large part, about choosing your battles. No two people can spend years and years together without getting on each other’s nerves after awhile. The important thing is to learn what to let go, and what to make a big deal about. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that the two of you are on the same side.
— Ben
The nature of compromise…
The nature of a compromise is that neither party is entirely satisfied with the outcome.
That’s right up there with my dictum for happy marriages, “Ultimatums are bad, m’kay?”. If you have to continually “put your foot down”, one day you’re going to stomp on your own foot.
Then there is tripping and falling and nosebleeds. You don’t want that.
—
Matthew P. Barnson
hmmm
You say that like it’s a bad thing.
The nature of compromise is that sometimes you get what you want and sometimes you have to do what she wants. I made her go with me to the Tenacious D movie, so she made me read a Jane Austen novel. Everybody wins.
— Ben
Do what she wants… do what you want…
No, not at all. If one party “wins”, it’s just not a compromise and someone will leave the disagreement very unhappy with the outcome… much more so than their partner. If that happens long enough, often enough, you end up with one bitter partner and another who has no idea there’s anything wrong.
Compromise is critical, and if you just got your way without giving anything in return when your partner disagreed… then you didn’t compromise. And that’s pretty unhealthy long-term.
—
Matthew P. Barnson
AWESOME
Its excellent how proud we all are of our long term relationships.. We’re just past the 10 year anniversary.. with another 2 years before, and a scattered romantic thing before that back to 1991..
Whats so awesome is that when people hear we’ve been together so long, they congratulate us like its a weird thing. But HERE, there are at least us 4 with 10 year relationships.. and we’re young!
So I guess the real question is.. is there a component that barnsonians have that lends itself to long, successful marriages?
*smiles*
Visit the Official Justin Timpane Website Music, Acting, and More! http://www.timpane.com
Divorces
Uniting factor: Children of divorcees who don’t want to repeat the mistake? Using that benchmark would not bode well for recently-married Sammy G, though! (For those who don’t know, he’s a child of parents still married to one another.)
—
Matthew P. Barnson
Weed’s Rules For Wife Units
My parents were married for almost 52 years before my dad died. Amy & I are going on 6 years as we speak. So I’d like to debunk the divorcee rumor. However, I’d like to caveat my debunking with the fact my wife is a divorcee. So take that for what it’s worth (“Hey now, what’s that sound… 😉
Compromise and communication are the two big things I’d say go into a successful marriage. My wife & I are a mixed-religion marriage, where she is a Baptist and I a conglomeration of Naturist/Unitarian/Atheist/Pagan. However, I support the kids learning Baptist ideals, because a kid understands “Do good because God’s watching you and says so” better than “Do good because that’s how our society works well and separates us from the other primates”. There may be some tricky times later when they find out what Daddy REALLY thinks, but for now I support they religious indoctrination. If the time comes when they come home and denounce gays or claim everyone’s going to Hell except those who accept Jesus Christ as their personal saviour, I’ll pull them aside and have a little chat. Because Baptist preachers can get a little carried away when the “Spirit” moves them 🙂
So that’s a compromise that takes a lot of work.
My wife & I have gone to bed angry, but we’ve never let it simmer. If we’re angry for any extended period of time, we’ll set aside time for ourselves, and usually just having that time together along is enough to get us back on the same page. You can’t compromise and communicate and be happy about it unless you have time to spend together to work out the details. Both of the compromises and why you’re married in the first place. Separate lives are okay, but I’ve seen when they go to far and it’s more like two people in a partnership than a marriage. Quality time together is more important than quality time apart.
It also helps when you’re married to an absolute goddess who still makes your heart race every time you see her 😉
My $.02 Weed
Thirst For Knowledge
I think the unifying factor amongst us Barnsonians is our never-ending quest for knowledge. All of us here seem to be the kind to dig deeper to find the answers we need and to totally understand the topic. This lends us to be the sorts who won’t just do what we want, but to understand our spouse’s point of view and work to understand what needs to be done to make everyone happy.
We Barsonians aren’t happy with the status quo. We need to make things better, to learn more, to better ourselves. A little application of that to a marriage goes a long way.
My $.02 Weed
I’m on the other side…
I’m on the other side of “don’t go to bed angry”. DO go to bed angry if you are tired, but plan on dealing with it when you are rested and coherent again. Christy and I were able to come to amiable arrangements on several arguments which seemed intractable the night before simply because we had a good night’s rest and could think clearly about the issue.
I agree on the separate lives bit, though. If you find yourself having to “ask permission” from your spouse, rather than coordinate schedules, you have a problem.
—
Matthew P. Barnson
Happy marriage
Marriage is for eternity. It is total commitment to each other. It is speaking soft words of love, kindness and support to each other. My husband is my best friend and I share my feelings, hopes & dreams with him. Marriage is enduring to the end. Marriage is partnership with God.
Beautiful!
Beautiful and poetic, Rosie. I think I’m hearing the “commitment” theme repeatedly through these posts, that the security of knowing that your partner will not leave you, no matter what, is most important.
I’m not so sure about the “endure” part, though. If I have to endure — rather than celebrate — a relationship, then it seems as if I am doing something wrong, no?
—
Matthew P. Barnson
Marriage
I see what you mean. Endure, to me, means that I will be there for my husband, your dad, forever no matter what happens. He is the light and love of my life. I celebrate our relationship everyday.
Compelled To Respond
I feel compelled to respond, since my name was invoked in the thread opener, but for the life of me can’t figure out the relative Matt references. There are lots of folks who through years of family friendship have earned the title of ‘uncle’ or ‘aunt.’ Regardless, I’m glad some old, fat, cigar-chomping alcoholic spurred a conversation about genetic predisposition to blissful wedlock.
I’m of the belief that irrespective of womb-spun genetic makeup your health is only as good and strong as you make it. You are harmed in the prolonged absence of exercise and proper diet. I have some relatives (actual relatives I remember) who forgo the aforementioned for what I call, “Better Living Through Chemistry.” They don’t need to work out or monitor intake because they have doctors who give pills. It makes me think doctors are increasingly becoming (if they weren’t already) insurance-backed pill pushers. The cycle of dependency on pills grows in tandem with the dismissal of exercise and good diet.
Do genetics play an important role in fidelity and marital satisfaction? I offer that social construct plays this role, more than genetics.