Grief Counseling – OR – I wasn’t Bunkey’s Friend.

We’re working our way through the Office season 3, and the episode “Grief Counseling” came on, which is about the death of a coworker.

Because my life is often ironic, I went to work today at the hospital, and halfway through the night, word floated up from the ER that a coworker of mine (for whom I had picked up a shift not 24 hours prior) had suddenly and unexpectedly died tonight.

Now, our floor is in shock. We all knew this affable, friendly woman.. and she was here not 28 hours ago, laughing with us about her upcoming plans.

I am upset. I really liked her… but no, we weren’t friends. People here are crying, but not me.

I feel guilty for feeling sad. What right do I have to be upset, I ask myself. These others knew her well.. some for years, some knew her socially. I am affected.. I really liked her.. but I don’t deserve a sense of loss. My life will go on, unaltered y her passing.. except that I am sad she died.

It calls to mind, the tragic death of my high-School’s swimming sensation, Bunkey Lewis. I knew Bunkey. He was on the swim team with me for two years, drove me a couple of places, and encouraged me – like he did everyone.

I wasn’t Bunkey’s friend. I had never been to his house. I knew his girlfriend Shelley somewhat better, but I was just not in his social circle. He knew me by name, but couldn’t tellyou a thing about me except that I swam with him.. and that fact was reciprocated.

When Bunkey died, there was a profound sense of loss from people I DID know well. When we came back to school and saw the flag was still at full mast, I and two others defiantly brought it down to half.. because it was a tragedy for our Nation – the HS nation. For me, it was to support my friends.

Bunkey was my first taste of peer death – and I dreamed about him.. I still know his name.. I went to his funeral.. but I wasn’t his friend until after he died. To this day, I speak of him and his potential and the tragedy.. but at the time.. I felt guilty for feeling the loss I felt. What right had I to miss him. My life went on as before – where was the loss? Yet.. I grieved a bit.

Tonight I feel the same way. I sit in the background remembereing the few conversations Susan and I shared, mostly about work.. and Aerosmith. She gave me a tour bag from their last tour. And I remember Bunkey, although really I just kind of remember the glass case with his picture in it. I wonder if it is still there.

To the friends I did not have, who I will not miss, I regret your passing. I wish I had known you better.. enough to deserve the loss that is still a bit stinging. You will be remembered fondly.