So it was all over the news yesterday how this mother boarded a bus where a bully had beaten up her child the day earlier, slapped him across the face, and poked him repeatedly in the forehead.
I wanted to know: what’s your thought on this incident?
Mine is that I know what an abusive, dysfunctional society is created by our children in public school. They know that what they are doing has no real impact, and feel powerless. They create a “prison culture” where the teachers are the guards, and status is determined in large part by who can be the cruelest to other children. There are a small few who rise above the pettiness, but by and large this daily torture and subjugation is a reality for many students.
My daughter was being terribly picked on by a boy in her class a couple of years ago, and was having trouble dealing with it. She was faking illness to get out of school in order to avoid him. Eventually, the problem was resolved. How? She kicked his butt.
Both my wife and I had taken her aside, showed her a few moves, and gave her the advice that the next time he hit or pushed her, she should beat him down hard enough that he will never think to touch her again. That’s exactly what she did, and if I recall correctly she received some disciplinary action from the school for the incident. We had both told her that it’s OK if she gets suspended for defending herself; as long as she is not the one who started it, we will support her decision to finish it.
Now is it right for this mother to board the bus and scold the boy? Well, speaking from experience, I think that would only result in more teasing and harassment for her child as needing the “Mama” to intercede on his behalf. I would have gone for the approach of “teach the kid to fight for himself, and support him if he gets suspended” approach.
On the other hand, I can totally sympathize with this woman for her frustration that this very intimidating, foul-mouthed bully was terrorizing her son repeatedly. I was there once, and knowing that you can’t possibly beat this kid who is twice the fighter you are is frustrating. It seems obvious from the video that once the woman’s back was turned, this bully said something really rude to her, and that is why she returned.
Rather than slapping a child, perhaps if you plan to board a bus to confront a bully, it would be better to bring along some soap. Then it would be very clear on video exactly what you’re doing, and why, when you wash out his mouth with it.
Violence
I don’t buy that schools are purposeless like prisons. I read that article, but didn’t agree with it at all. People, even kids, make meaning in their lives. (This what makes us spiritual beings).
Sometimes violence is best resolved by violence. Usually it is not. I think your daughter did what she had to do–once one is threatened with violence, a violent response is morally sound.
But that wasn’t the case with the mother, who should be punished. Adults can corporally punish their own children, or in the case of authority figures, those children over whom they have been given ecplicit authority. (I don’t believe it’s effective, but I wouldn’t categorically condemn it either.) That was not the case here. She was attacked verbally by a child, and responded with violence. Some community service is in order!
Purposeless vs. consequence-less
I don’t think they are purposeless, either. But what they are is largely bereft of real-life consequences, which results in similar inmate-like cultural consequences. The size of the school has a tremendous impact on whether this is the case or not; in smaller schools with better teacher/student ratios, education is more cooperational and less confrontational.
For further reference, I recommend Paul Graham’s essay, “Why Nerds Are Unpopular”:
http://www.paulgraham.com/nerds.html
Some selections:
BTW, I’m not defending what the woman did; I think it was wrong. However, I can understand her frustration and the desire to slap some idiot boy with a filthy mouth, bad attitude, and tendency to hurt those who are dear to me.
A secondary goal of mine is to talk about dysfunctional school culture in US classrooms which give rise to this kind of bullying & response pattern. Maybe that’s best for another blog entry, but I think like so many things, only those who were on the negative, receiving end of the abuse really noticed what was going on consciously without working at it. The popular kids — and Dan, there’s no arguing nearly everybody liked you in school — probably saw far less of the problem.
—
Matthew P. Barnson
Let The Record Please Reflect
I did not like Dan. Bass players do not like sax players. They get all the solos.
Retcon?
Don’t remember you being a “bass player” per se in high school…and I bet Jaco got solos in high school.
I think I was liked enough by the time I was a junior/senior. This was the result of hitching a ride on the rising stars of Jared and Sam, and probably because our sports teams weren’t good enough (yet) to distract from adulation of the jazz musicians. I think I had a rough go of it at Ridgeview though. Glad to have it all in the past, regardless!
Riiight..
Cuz you and Matt got NO opportunity to shine.. =)
Thank God no one ever stopped a Jazz concert for 3 minutes just to give Kevin a solo though.. that would be silly.
Visit the Official Justin Timpane Website Music, Acting, and More! http://www.timpane.com
don’t go after the kid
If I was the mother, I would’ve found out who the kid was, and gone after the kid’s parents. Children are only responsible for their own behavior to a certain degree. If the kid is a bully, it must be at least in some part because his parents have encouraged (or at least, not discouraged) him to be a bully. So go beat the crap out of the parent.
— Ben
Bullies…
I found out that one of my kids was acting the bully toward another child. He got schooled by me, fast, that it was not acceptable and has not repeated that behavior.
I know people say that children’s friends have far more impact on their behavior than their parents, but good parents are still fighting to help make a better life for their children until they are in the grave.
—
Matthew P. Barnson