This has been an interesting week on the religion side. By and large, I’ve simply preferred to avoid discussing religion due to my somewhat… *ahem*… non-standard beliefs in this predominantly LDS town. However, this week I’ve had a couple chances to yak with people about it, and while it’s been slightly tense and stressful from time to time, overall it’s been very positive.
There have been four specific incidents; click “read more” below if you’re interested.
Anyway, out of the blue an acquaintance who lives in my neighborhood, Dan Wotherspoon, leaves me a note in a thick, large envelope filled with three “Sunstone” magazines. I won’t reprint the whole thing here, but the gist was that he’d noticed I haven’t been to church in many months, and his wife had heard that I’d read some things and had some doubts about the church.
Not quite on the mark, there. I consider myself largely agnostic (although lately I’ve begun referring to myself as a “Bright“), but I’d read precisely zero anti-mormon literature before the day I decided I could not find sufficient evidence for the existence of God to continue purporting to believe. Unfortunately, I was still Sunday School teacher for several months after that and it’s pretty tough to try to teach one thing and think another. Oh, but that’s beside the point.
Anyway, I popped by his house to ask about his motivations. I’d heard about this Sunstone thing before, but only in the context of some General Authorities getting really upset about people considering themselves liberal, intellectual, or homosexual Mormons and putting together a commitee to watch them and eventually kick them out of the church for their non-faith-promoting activities.
Sunstone wasn’t at all what I thought.
Dan and I talked for about 40 minutes, and by the end I was convinced this wasn’t some sort of strange fellowshipping effort on his part. From where he sat, the news that I was an “atheist” (yeah, I used that word, because I really detest the fact it has such a negative connotation yet really means “not a believer”, not “anti-religion”) was a surprise — I guess he thought I followed the normal track of acquiring anti-mormon literature, questioning, etc. Guess my effort to remain somewhat incognito regarding my beliefs panned out there. He reassured me that I wasn’t “the talk of the ward”, and that he’d belabored writing me for about two hours. He’s the editor and a member of some commitee for Sunstone, and invited me to attend their symposium if I’d like to.
I’m kind of thinking I’d like to. Although Sunstone seems less like Mormon intellectuals, and more like Mormon fence-sitters, nevertheless I think there might be some kindred spirits there, and I certainly agree with (most) LDS moral ideals. There are some areas where I think conservative LDS philosophy is very over-the-top, but at the same time until I find another organization which can provide friendship for my children and family with similar goals in clean living and morals, I’ll probably be sticking around.
Still doesn’t mean I’ll pray over meals or offer “blessings” of any sort, but I’m comfortable bowing my head in respect for the beliefs of the person offering them.
The Justin Conversation
I yakked with my buddy Justin on the phone for several hours the other night, and he admitted to me he was a bit shaken up by my disclosure of the fact that I don’t consider myself religious anymore, and have, in fact, acknowledged that I don’t know if there are even Gods or other supernatural beings. I hope he won’t mind me talkinga about this; if he does, I’m sure he’ll let me know. Anyway, he’d had a conversation with his wife talking about the state of his soul and his own questions. I’m no religious advocate, but I hope talking to helped him sort out where he is, and what he wants to become. It was a pretty deep chat, and sometimes just having a friend to talk to is important.
He was there for me when I was weirded out about the whole MRI thing, chronicled earlier in my blog. Friendships go both ways. Glad to have a friend.
The Sam Call
I emailed Sammy G, one of my best friends from high school, wondering how to get in touch with Ben. This flowered into about 30 messages over the course of one day, with me CC’ing Ben and Sam on every message, just catching up on life and people we knew. He heard that I was kind of thinking about religion, and gave me a call to see how I was doing. Although it’s been a year since I let my wife know about my change of religious beliefs, I still struggle every day with de-programming myself and trying to see things as they really are, rather than how I’d prefer to filter them thruogh my own preconceptions. It’s incredibly difficult and draining, but rewarding as I feel better able to cope with reality.
Anyway, Sam’s a bass player in several bands. His advice? “Believe in four strings and the truth”. Never heard better advice. Maybe you have to be a musician to get it.
The Daughter’s Questions
My daughter, Sara, also ended up inquiring about religion this week, asking me why I don’t pray over meals anymore (it’s taken her a year to notice?), science, and how everybody’s related through Adam and Eve. I gave her the brief overview, and typical of children she simply accepted it and said “that’s cool, Dad”. We even started making up games to play with the Scientific Method, figured out how to make a hypothesis, and did a few experiments and observations to come to know the world around us. I think Zach is still a bit young (at nearly 6 years old) to totally “get it”, but he tried hard 🙂 Baptism time for Sara is rapidly approaching, as she was born in November. Being that this is usually a family occasion, if my mother or my dad haven’t already read this blog and figured it out, I’ll have to make sure they know what’s up before they get surprised that someone else is baptizing my children. That is, if Sara decides she wants to be baptized. I want to make sure she knows that this is a choice, baptism is an optional thing that you should do only if you believe in Jesus and want to show him that you are willing to be born all over again to show your commitment to him. I’m pretty certain she’ll want it to please her Mom, and since I’ll be officially neutral on the issue after explaining the options, she’ll figure out who she won’t upset by her actions.
Oy, veh, and with the upcoming birth of our next child in February, life will become even more interesting.
At least now, I feel like I can approach every day honestly. I have a clear conscience that I’m not pretending at being anything that I’m not, that I’m willing to change when I encounter truth, and that I won’t allow peer pressure and groupthink to force my choices. I know what’s right, I know what’s wrong, and I know that I put everything I had into discovering the truth about deity, reality, and faith. Now I’m into discovering truth, helping others cope with change, and trying to improve the world. My contributions are largely through message boards and mailing lists, but it’s a wonderful feeling to know that I’ve been where somebody else is, and I can share my coping strategies with them. You don’t have to go it alone in your disbelief; there are millions of people who are also honest with themselves and acknowledge they don’t know.
Done yakking. My hope is just that some other person out there, one day, can read this and realize there’s somebody else who’s been in their shoes. My name’s Matthew Barnson, and I live in Tooele, Utah. You can easily look me up and give me a call if you’re in that situation, and you’ll find a sympathetic ear.
As long as you don’t call in the middle of the night. I’m grumpy that way 🙂