THE EASY OUT – OR – Haven’t you heard.. we’re not friends

What the f#*&!?

Its this move.. you know the one. With no sexism meant, its a move more traditionally enjoyed by women.

Take my friend.. lets call her “Mary” – a friend of over a year, who has been a guest in my home almost every other week for a year.

You part company under tense circumstances, and try to follow up for a debriefing or reconciliation.. but get the voicemail.

Over the next few days, you leave a message or two.. starting with “hey.. is this really happening? Gimme a call”, progressing to “You haven’t called, I guess you’re really pissed, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings”, and ending with.. “You’re not calling me back.. and you’ve let mutual friends know you have no interest in doing so.. I guess we’re done”.

What the f#*&!?

Its this move.. you know the one. With no sexism meant, its a move more traditionally enjoyed by women.

Take my friend.. lets call her “Mary” – a friend of over a year, who has been a guest in my home almost every other week for a year.

You part company under tense circumstances, and try to follow up for a debriefing or reconciliation.. but get the voicemail.

Over the next few days, you leave a message or two.. starting with “hey.. is this really happening? Gimme a call”, progressing to “You haven’t called, I guess you’re really pissed, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings”, and ending with.. “You’re not calling me back.. and you’ve let mutual friends know you have no interest in doing so.. I guess we’re done”.

And with that the friendship is done.. and you’re left there stunned.

Now what gets me is this.. I get that friendships end.. somewhat abruptly sometimes. But I would expect, especially after peaceful overtures have been made, that a long term friend would at least drop you an email saying “sorry, we’re done”. That’s no fun.. but at least is respectful.

Over my life this has happened a few times.. and to me it is unfathomable. If someone is like “Dude, are you pissed? Are we friends?” I can’t conceive of just letting that message hang. I would usually find it in my heart to forgive the person.. or (and I’ve done this) said “Good luck to you, sir or Madam, but I don’t think we can be friends”. I mean even the standard “We’re fine”, followed by a communications blackout is a tad cowardly.. but not blatantly unkind.

SO.. what is this? Who does this after the age of 15?

Thoughts?

12 thoughts on “THE EASY OUT – OR – Haven’t you heard.. we’re not friends”

  1. Never done, never had done.

    The last time I remember this happening to me was — strangely enough — at the age of fifteen. Total shut-out by my then-girlfriend, Jenny Doak. Since that time, I have not had that happen with a friend.

    Now, I’ve done it to acquaintances, business-related, but not friends. Just recently I landed a short-term contract with a fellow, and found that as the project continued, the features required for that project continued to grow. The little 4-to-8-hour job grew to the point that I knew I was going to spend weeks making it work, and I simply didn’t have the time, although the money would have been good. I stopped responding to his emails, though I explained in one that I was uncomfortable with the “creeping feature-itis” we were experiencing and no longer wished to be involved.

    I’ve also gone incommunicado for a month or more, when I’ve felt the need to unplug and be alone for a bit. It hasn’t happened often — about once every 3-4 years — but it’s never been about someone else, it’s always been about me.

    I dunno what to say. It’s a weird situation. Maybe I’m just not sociable enough to be close enough to people long enough to offend them 🙂

    —
    Matthew P. Barnson

  2. Follow Up

    Well, my friend finally got in touch.. and let me have it with both barrels. She spewed venom at me like a snake-made-sprinkler. Good lord.. starting with a list of grievances, some of which were legitimate, moving on to a secondary list of grievances, more based on her misunderstanding things that a room of people got, moving then into my failures artistically, parentally, toward my wife, and my stalling acting career, finally ending on basic personality flaws that I would likely never be able to fix, so why bother.

    Woah.. yesterday I was really upset.. but I reread the email today and realized, “wait a tick.. this chick is psychotic!” Yup.. cuz as weird and stupid as the first thing was (not getting in touch) – the idea that you can give a luther-ish manifesto designed to rip another person apart – that’s more high shool than the first thing.

    So, yeah, I’m using Barnson as my sounding board / therapist.. but seriously, honk twice if it seems like this chick (who is in no way a barnson visitor) has some issues.

    Visit the Official Justin Timpane Website Music, Acting, and More! http://www.timpane.com

    1. Beep Beep…

      heh…

      Sometimes it is better to cut your loses. You have a great wife and kid at home, everything else is gravy. Friends will fight, but this sounds a lot more then just a petty arguement. Without really knowing the details, it almost sounds like a bit of jealousy. Maybe she is bumming because you moved to a nicer place? Maybe bumming because you have a kid and a great mariage? My experience when the arguements turn towards personal attacks is that they are rarely about that at all. Instead there are underlying issues that are causing a lash out.

      I guess at the end of the day you need to be happy. Do what makes you happy. in finance they say that the way to wealth is to pay yourself first. I think that logic has a lot of traction in general. Make yourself happy, then work your way out.

      Sorry if it sounds kind of jumpy, This was more of a stream of conciousness kind of entry.

      1. I agree with you..

        And there may be a song in here somewhere.. as time has gone on in the last 24 hours. Hearing a 2 page list of complaints about how much you suck can cut really deep at first.. but it must be put in context of “who would take the time to write this”.

        And in doing that, I feel a lot better.

        Visit the Official Justin Timpane Website Music, Acting, and More! http://www.timpane.com

        1. Things I should have said

          See, you made me write a poem. Sure, I know next to nothing about the situation, but I felt inspired. I even hear the tune in my head. Upbeat.

          (verse) Maybe mine’s a hollow brain, Devoid of useful, thoughtful things. Maybe I’m so one-sided, I may as well be flat.

          Maybe I am foul and crude, Enough to kill a happy mood, Maybe I’m a disappointment, Should I believe all that?

          (intro al chorus) Your judgment of me, Stings inside my mind, You couldn’t let it be, And we can’t rewind.

          (chorus) It’s too late to cry, It’s too late to lie, It’s too late to say The things I should have said.

          There’s no going back, There’s no giving slack, There’s no way for me To say the things I should have said.

          (verse) Maybe my fledgling career, Is like a spotlight on a deer. Maybe the light’s blinding me To my train wreck of a life.

          Maybe I’m too small for you, My job’s a waste, and I am too. Maybe you’re right, maybe I’m wrong Maybe I’ll record this pointless song.

          (chorus)

          (bridge) Was this premeditated? You’d think that we dated. I left this stuff in high school. Man, you’ve gotten uncool.

          It feels like the truth from you. I’ll shut up and take it too. I’ll say this once and I won’t shout, The door’s that way; find your way out!

          (Repeat chorus ad nauseum)

          —
          Matthew P. Barnson

    2. Anyway

      If she was worth anything, she would have listed you being Catholic as one of those flaws. That and your Star Trek addiction.

      Obviously, if her list didn’t contain THOSE items, it’s not a valid list by any means.

      So you’ll just have to keep coming back here to see what’s REALLY wrong with you!

      Hee Hee Hee 🙂

      Keep your chin up. WE love you for being you!

      My $.02 Weed

      1. And I love weed.

        Yes, Justin loves weed. Wait a min.

        And yes.. you’re right my being (ex) Catholic, part jewish, and a conservative christian.. as well as a Buffy-nut, B–Movie actor, and, dare I say it..

        Blogger.. Eek.

        Visit the Official Justin Timpane Website Music, Acting, and More! http://www.timpane.com

  3. At least there’s some closure

    I’m sorry it came to that end, my friend, but I agree it’s better that than the weird state of limbo you were in before. Sounds like you’ve got a good handle on the situation and aren’t taking any of what she said to heart. Which is good, because yeah, anytime someone can take the time to write a massive list of grievances that she’s never once brought up with you before… that speaks much more to issues on her end.

    The one thing I hope is that you don’t let this or past experiences turn you off from being open to friendships with members of the female persuasion, particularly actresses.

    Your first impressions when you meet another actress that you get along with may well be colored by what just happened here. I’m not saying don’t do that, because we both know it’s impossible to totally keep past experience from influencing our judgement. Just be aware of it, is all.

    Again, sucks your friend went that route, but from one self-flagellator to another, there is a lot of comfort to be taken from being absolutely certain that this one wasn’t in any way your bad.

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