Everybody who knows me knows that I hate email spam. I have taken pretty strong measures on my server to stop it from dropping in my inbox, so much so that these days the only stuff that finds its way in there are emails from people who sign up for throw-away accounts from a major ISP.
Regardless, very rarely I see a subject line that makes me laugh because it’s clever. This one did.
“Don’t be an average man! Megadik will lift you up to the top!”
Just the product name — “Megadik” — is enough to make me giggle a little bit. Or maybe throw up into my mouth a little bit. I sometimes can’t tell the difference.
Have they ever told you this, “Damn it! Your penis is really tiny!”?
Damn it! I can’t tell you how many times I have heard this in the locker room! I don’t have enough exclamation points to express how I feel about men telling me I have a tiny penis!
Didn’t you just wanna run away?
Absolutely! I think it would be fun to run through the gym carrying my towel in my hands so that everybody can make fun of my eensy-weensy, needle-sized manhood.
Don’t let women turn their back on you!
But, but… but what if I prefer that position?
Megadik will bring you to your sexual dreams!
My sexual dreams are simple: * Early. Morning is best. I don’t know why, but it is. * Often. Daily is best. Really, more often than that and I get a bit chapped, speaking from experience. Oh, and also, speaking from experience, Aloe Vera gel is a REALLY bad choice for trying to relieve the chapped-ness.
Umm, that’s about it. How does having a bigger dong impact that schedule?
You should simply rely on this excellent preparation!
I think the time for preparation is long since over. I had enough of that with Rosie Palm and her five sisters in high school.
“Oh! Your penis is so large!” Isn’t that what you dream to hear every day?
I think if I heard this every day, I would develop a complex. Or maybe a rash. Or, possibly, painful urination.
Soon you’ll be the only one ladies will wish! Megadik is your real cure!
Dang, dude, there are 3 billion women in the world. I don’t have the time or interest to be the only one for all of them. Couldn’t we limit that a bit, to, say, half a billion or so?
while we’re on the subject
Matt,
I’m a member of the royal family of Nigeria. My family was deposed, and our $200 billion personal fortune has been frozen by the rebels. I promise to give you a cut if you give me the $500 I need to get back to the country and seize power. For reals.
— Ben
Bank account information
Bank account information follows. Bank: Iffy Credit Union Account Number: 3704556 PIN: id10t
My co-worker is also very interested in your plan. I would really rather be contacted at my work address rather than my home, so please use the following address for correspondence and send it to him:
Zalmai Azmi J. Edgar Hoover Building 935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001
Thanks and kind regards,
—
Matthew P. Barnson
Your talk..
Is completely unfamiliar to me. I don’t understand.. they can be small?
Visit the Official Justin Timpane Website Music, Acting, and More! http://www.timpane.com
These aren’t the droids..
Stormtrooper: Let me see your dong. Obi-Wan: [influencing the stormtrooper’s mind] You don’t need to see his dong. Stormtrooper: We don’t need to see his dong. Obi-Wan: These aren’t the pills you’re looking for. Stormtrooper: These aren’t the pills we’re looking for. Obi-Wan: He can go about his business. Stormtrooper: You can go about your business. Obi-Wan: Move along. Stormtrooper: Move along… move along.
—
Matthew P. Barnson