How To Be The Creepy Guy At Work

I went to dinner with a good friend the other day who mentioned that he was concerned because a coworker had said he was “creepy”. In celebration of this hilarious — I mean, distressing — event, I decided to compile a list on “How to be the creepy guy in your workplace”.

First, a definition!

Creepy (adjective)

1. producing an uneasy fearful sensation, as of things crawling over one’s skin
2. strangely repulsive

How to be the creepy guy at work

1. Find any excuse to talk with female co-workers. Do not put the same effort toward the males.
2. It’s much creepier if you are married and do the aforementioned.
3. Stare at her chest while she’s talking.
4. Stare at her privates while you talk.
5. Stare into her eyes. It seems as if the conversational norm in the USA is to look into the eyes while listening, yet while speaking one is expected to glance away periodically. Break this norm, and you’re creepy.
6. Stare at any other part of her body while you talk to her. Staring is just creepy.
7. Talk at great length even though she doesn’t reply.
8. Ask questions about someone’s at-home schedule and living arrangements.
9. Stand or sit very close when talking. Around arms-length is the appropriate American conversation distance; cut this about in half to be really creepy.
10. Buy her stuff. Giving gifts to several co-workers in an egalitarian fashion isn’t creepy; if you just give to the females or one female in particular, it is.
11. It’s more creepy if the stuff you buy is totally inappropriate. An Epilady or skin-tight leather catsuit — particularly if it’s perfectly her size — is really creepy.
12. Ask other people about certain females in your office. The fact that you talk about them when they aren’t there is creepy!
13. Compliment her appearance. “You look nice today” is way too generic to be creepy. Complimenting something unusual can be creepy, but there’s a very narrow line between creepy and gay. Gay: “Wow, I love that anklet, where can I buy one?” Creepy: “Those pants are very tight on you, but they look nice.”
14. Lie. Nothing’s creepier than regularly lying to co-workers, enough that they can’t trust what you’re saying.
15. Have some obsession that you talk about at work all the time. In a rare case of male-male creepiness, one of our security guards used to talk about how much he really loved his guns, and how much he hated his job and co-workers. Once again, there is a fine line, this time between creepy and postal.
16. Be obsessed with what other people think about you. If you are worried about being creepy, you will be, so worry a LOT!
17. Flirt with people both out of your league and far younger than you. Nothing is creepier than an older man hitting on younger women.
18. Pay just a little bit of attention to the way you look, but not enough. If you make it clear you’re a slob, you’re just a slob, not a creep. If you dress nicely all the time, you’re dressing for success. Dress just nicely enough to look like you’re trying, but not so nice that you’re succeeding.
19. Wear clothing that is too young for you.
20. Be anxious, all the time. This alone may be enough for people to think you’re creepy. Don’t take anti-anxiety medication, though, that may just make people think you’re not creepy anymore!

Now, if you manage to do all of these, I think you’ll pull off the title of Grade-A creep without difficulty. If, however, you are guilty of only a few — for instance, staring at her boobs all the time — you may not be creepy, just over-sexed.