It’s that time in life when I need to pick up a new bad habit. Due to circumstances, nothing seems more appetizing than beginning a drug addicition. To date, I’ve never smoked a cigarette or taken an illegal drug. But it’s never too late to start destroying my life via a helpless, ugly relationship with small pills.
Since turning 30 I’ve realized life becomes more interesting because people are more interesting. Socializing and interacting wth people my age carries far more interest because older folks have responsibility and what I consider “contribution implications”. My friends are no longer talking about hot bars and latest flings but issues and social trend and grown-up stuff.
However, after months of doing the couples-nights and weekend social entertaining, I still feel stagnant and dull. I never walk from these gatherings feeling enlightened and challenged. Thus, I need to begin a terrifyingly addicting drug habit for two purposes:
1) Make other people more interesting 2) Make me more interesting to other people
I’m not into health and happiness. I’m into eccentricity.
Anybody got some good suggestions? Also, I need drugs that can be concocted at home. Ideas that fall in the “meth” vein are good. Basically, I don’t want to have to get sold-out by some flaky street pusher who’s looking to score snitch points by turning in Mr. Sammy G Suburban Whitey to the cops.
Ideal drug
Allow me to recommend oxygen as your drug of choice. There are even “oxygen bars” springing up around town. You can be as eccentric as you like — even taking “oxygen breaks” during work to go stand outside and breathe deeply — you don’t go to jail, and you don’t destroy your body.
However, if you’re willing to face the possibility of lip cancer, cigars are a good possibility. Just make sure and keep a close eye on the area around and inside your mouth for those possible cancer-sores and nip them in the bud. Apparently, people get a lot of enjoyment from cigars.
I’m not much into my friends going to jail, though, so I’ll avoid suggesting anything illegal. You could move to California and do marijuana legally if you wanted to. The plants are easy to cultivate in a small greenhouse, and you’re learning valuable skills in caring for plant life at the same time as you’re developing your vile habit 🙂
Although, you’ve got me thinking of writing a book. “The Five Habits of Highly Eccentric People”. Think it’ll take off?
—
Matthew P. Barnson
Drug choice
My friend.. as you know. I think it is important to use the drugs you already use in moderation.
For instance.. there is nothing wrong with a cup or two of coffee every da yor so.. but what about 3 or 4 “red eyes” from Starbucks (Extra large “Venti” with a shot or two of espresso) – and if you don’t like the taste, chase it down with a nice Red Bull or 4.
What about OTC.. the “Dennis Leary Special” NyQuil and Sudafed.
Yeah, btw, I AM KIDDING (In case I get my nursing liscense and someone wants to reject it.
(Althoug.. I almost have that coffee thing in my life and somehow I never seem to sleep)
I Want a New Drug, one that won’t make me sick
OK, let’s see. Well, at 30, you’re a little old for pot. You can be cool and be a pothead up until about 25, and then suddenly you’re just a loser. Over 25, casual pot use (a few times a year) is still cool, but since we’re looking for a hardcore addiction, I think that’s out.
Cocaine doesn’t seem right for you. You’re energetic enough as it is, and you’re not working on Wall Street. And besides, the whole testicle-shrinking, heart-exploding thing is a major turn-off.
I’ll do a little more research and see if I find anything.
— Ben Schuman Mad, Mad Tenor
A different direction
What about a horribly disgusting vice that isn’t drugs yet that still carries a social stigma. I’m thinking eating disorder. It’s cheap. In fact, if you choose anorexia, you may save on your grocery bill. Bulemia has the added benifit of binging without the nasty weight gain. It’s really the best of both worlds. It could evel lead to a new hip career as a gaunt, waifish model. Nothing is cooler than being thin. And, seriously, if you keep at it, you may even die from it. What’s better than an angst-filled, self-penned obituary. Coolio.
Knowing Sam in HS and Knowing him now..
You might not be far off
(Me am not one to talk.. me must go throw up now)
JT
for that matter
For that matter, a disgusting social vice isn’t a bad idea — picking your nose in public, indecent exposure, something like that.
— Ben Schuman Mad, Mad Tenor
More eccentricities
How about weekly coffee enemas? The added benefit is you’re keeping your colon clean, AND using a drug.
—
Matthew P. Barnson
I Think I’ve Got It
Thanks for the advice everybody. I think before hitting up the scene on weekend night (read: friend’s BBQ) I’m going to be bringing…
Diet Coke 6-pack
Oh yes, give me Aspartame, and give it to me now.
Good Drugs
Chocolate. It’s addictive and great in social situations. As for not feeling challenged enough from your social group gatherings, get new friends. Obviously you need a crazier crowd. Matt and I aren’t into drinking or drugs, etc. and let me tell ya, we talk about our social gatherings for days afterwards because of the people we hang out with! It’s great fun and we always look forward to our next gathering.
And don’t forget the chocolate!–
Christy
Nutty
Christy’s right, we have some rowdy times playing games with the Barnson’s. Sometimes we live on the edge and use face cards and (gasp) dice. There’s often caffeine, chocolate, and pork rinds. Mmmmm pork rinds. (Dawn just mentioned over my shoulder that she likes banana cream pie) Of course, when its ladies only, I hear the good times roll too (read Slumber Party). The ladies in our neigborhood really are the kind of group that, if left unchecked, could really tear up the town. I think you all know who I mean… Missy, Christy, Dawn, Emily, Caroline…
EDIT by matthew: Linked 🙂