I recently had an online discussion with some friends, and mentioned I’d been feeling a little blue lately. Thought I’d share.
On Fri, 24 Dec 2004 12:22:57 -0500, PGO <nnobrien@PROTECTED> wrote:
> Matthew Barnson said: > << … Yet I’m cheerless.>>
< Me (Pat): Did anyone yet think Matt might be still in a stage of grief
> over losing the realness of God, Jesus, and all the afterlife he had
> truly believed in before?
It's an interesting thought. Last night, I spent several hours playing a computer game. Around 11:30 PM, my wife pulled a chair up next to mine, grabbed a pillow, leaned back, put one foot up on the bookshelf next to the PC and said, "So, Matt, what's up?" "Not much," I replied distractedly as I blasted more bad guys. "Guess I've played a bit long tonight, huh?" "I'm not worried about that," she responded, "I want to know why you're depressed." I quit the game and turned to face her. "I'm feeling pretty up today," I replied quietly. "I'm not buying," she said. "You've spent the last week and a half cooped up with your computer when you come home. You're spending longer hours at work, and you're not spending the time you usually do with the kids. You've been like this before, and I recognize the symptoms. Why are you so down lately?" I thought for a moment, and replied, "Well, it's the season, I guess. I find myself thinking of Christmasses past, and how joyful they are, and this year, I kind of feel... I don't know. Outside looking in. It just doesn't have the magic like it used to." "Is it because you no longer believe?" she asked, chewing her bottom lip and gazing pointedly at the bookshelf so as not to appear confrontational. "I don't think so," replied half-heartedly, "it's more other things than that." But there was a kernel of truth to what she had to say. Everything I do, I do with gusto. I go all the way, or very little of the way. I used to throw myself into church callings with all the energy I could muster. I used to throw myself into the Holiday Season, being the loudest singer as we happily tossed tinsel and decorations onto the tree. But this year, for the first time really in the two-and-a-half years I've been a nonbeliever, it hit me: I'm not celebrating the same thing as other people around me are. I'm going through the motions, but this year I finally ponder the meaning of what it is I'm doing, and find that my existing motivations are not enough. This year, I choose to find my own meaning in the Holidays. It's a harder, but more rewarding, road than choosing to celebrate for the same reason everyone else is. I think the road less travelled by is where I need to focus my eyes and heart, and find my own cheer rather than imbibe of the ready-made, pre-packed cheeriness offered by religious celebration. -- Matthew P. Barnson