So tonight at diner my family was sitting down, and my husband made the comment that my now 8 year old daughter was looking a little pudgy in the cheeks. Now to him and I this just means that she is getting ready for another growth spurt. She on the other hand began to cry. She was devestated over weight at barely 8. Well we tried to explain to her that no matter what size she is she will alway’s be beautiful. I asked her why she was so concerned about her weight and she said that she didn’t want to take up to much space. That one stopped me. So I tried a different approach. I told her that it is the beauty on the inside that reflects on the outside. Her reply was… “That’s why they made make-up.” I really didn’t think that I who was never a very vain person would have to deal with this from my very young daughter. What have we done to our children?
Out of the mouths of babes
So tonight at diner my family was sitting down, and my husband made the comment that my now 8 year old daughter was looking a little pudgy in the cheeks. Now to him and I this just means that she is getting ready for another growth spurt. She on the other hand began to cry. She was devestated over weight at barely 8. Well we tried to explain to her that no matter what size she is she will alway’s be beautiful. I asked her why she was so concerned about her weight and she said that she didn’t want to take up to much space. That one stopped me. So I tried a different approach. I told her that it is the beauty on the inside that reflects on the outside.
It’s a different story at school.
As parents we love our children unconditionally no matter what shape or size. But at school, everyone is looking for someone to pick on so that they’re not the one being picked on.
My daughter gets teased occasionally for being pudgy, and she also gets picked on for being the youngest in her class. She’s also the tallest in her class. Go figure. None of it adds up.
My solution is to enroll our daughters into a good dance class. The last dance teacher my daughter had was wonderful. She taught self esteem and self image, besides dance techniques. Unfortunately that teacher moved and we’re back to square one. Right now we’re finishing up basketball, which is hilarious with 8-11 year old girls, and then we’ll be looking for another dance class.
Meanwhile at home, our daughter is our pride and joy. We let her accessorize (minimally) to help her feel cute at school and at home we do the best we can to help her feel good about herself.
If anyone else has the magic answer, please blog on!–
Christy
Thanks Christy. I just found
Thanks Christy. I just found it absoulutly amazing that someone who is so young and skinny to boot would have such devestating feelings about her size already. Especially when she is surrounded by nothing of self awarness and love. Thankyou again.
Its me, Mr. heartless..
First of all, this does not pertain to any person’s kids in particular.
Okay, that being said, there is a complacency among American parents that it is okay to let kids be overweight. Whether it is through overfeeding, underexercising, or the kids eating too much when they’re not home, the fact is that although the kids in class can make a kid feel bad for being overweight, if it makes them decide to lose the weight, then it may be saving their life.
I was watching “Super Size Me” again on DVD, and there is a comment about how we now have no problem saying to someone that they shouldn’t smoke, because its so bad for you. We hope that if our kid smokes someone gives them a hard time about it so maybe they’ll quit. Somehow, the standard doesn’t match up for kids who are overweight.
The fact is, obesity has overtaken smoking as the number one lifestyle based killer in America. Kids who are statistically overwhelmingly going to be overweight adults. Here’s what it could mean for them..
Diabetes (Kids are gettng weight based type 2 diabetes as young as 13 now) Cancer – Because of the way fat stores carcinogens, among other reasons Dialysis and Kidney failure – Because of High blood pressure Heart Disease – Lots of tissue for the heart to perfuse Heart attacks – Lots of fat to get stored in those arteries Stroke – Lots of fat in arteries, high blood pressure Blindness – From diabetes Liver Failure – Too much fat and calories has the same effect on the liver as drinking
And decades shorter lifespans.
Now, I have someone who is a child, who I love very very much who is overweight, and they know I love them more than anything, but I will watch them eat, and when it is within my power I will control their intake, and insist on mor exercise.
Here are some top tips I’ve heard pediatricians give:
THE BIGGEST CULPRIT FOR OVERWEIGHT KIDS IS BEVERAGES! Remove the Orange juice and all Juices as well as the Sodas and Kool-Aid. Many parents give their kids juice, and yes, its better than fake drinks, but it is higher in calories and sugar than soda or Kool-Aid. try soemthing like “Crystal Light” which comes fortified with Vit c and calcium. Water!! (Supplement with vitamins)
Cut down on snacks. Provide veggies instead of crackers. We all know chips are bad, but Crackers, Graham crackers, and Cookies are big calorie boosters!
Use skim milk. Especially in cereal. Look at the calorie difference in comparison to whole milk. Its amazing.
Add appropriate veggies at dinner. Replace the corn and potatoes with a salad (with fat free dressing – because regular dressing is unbelievably high in calories and fat). Spinach, lettuce, green beans, all have many many fewer calories!
Use lowfat wheat bread instead of regular white. The calories are cut in half, and the wheat bread isn’t immediately absorbed by the stomach. It fills you p more and its better for you.
Find lowfat substitutes. I can’t tell the difference between regular and lowfat Peanut Butter (which is actually pretty bad for you), Pudding, Yogurt, Ice Cream, Scrambled eggs and Egg beaters, Crackers.
Use skinless chicken, low fat hamburger (or 97-99% fat free ground turkey – careful though, the 93% turkey is as bad as Beef), lowfat cheese where possible.
Use things like fat free sour cream instead of butter. Smaller portions on cereal. That sort of thing.
Most of all, know what weight your child should be, And choose a weight somewhere in the middle of the range (don’t say “He’s at the top, but he’s in there”). Know how many calories and how much activity your kid should have. If he does more activity, then be at the top of the range. If its less than prescribed, fewer calories (but really, kids need to exercise). Also keep in mind that to lose weight you have to eat fewer calories than you need, so you burn your fat.
Finally, see your pediatrician before starting any major diet change, but if your child is overweight, DO SEE YOUR PEDIATRICIAN!! Your child will live a longer and happier life.
Hear Hear
Justin, great post.
I don’t have any kids, but I’m assuming it’s hard to curtail their McDonald’s cravings, especially when it’s 2 or 3 of them in the backseat of the car, all whining in unison, clamoring for their favorite french fries…
Sammy..
Well, thats the thing..
I understand the difficulty. I empathize.. and sure, go ahead, get em a big mac.. fine. Soemtimes there’s no choice.
BUT.. How much harder is it to do the crystal light instead of the OJ, the Reduced Fat Peanut Butter, the skim milk, the veggies and fruits (they come in pre cut packs now!), the lowfat ice cream (and only once or twice a week), the lowfat crackers, all that stuff.
I eat Taco bell a lot sometimes, and I can do it because i don’t have the other things in my daily life most of the time. I took the candy out of the house (except for this week as I study for the boards), and, like you, I used to be much heavier and lost a bunch of weight. (You missed the heavy phase).
Thats all. I understand that being a parent sometimes means you need to get the cheap stuff, the quick stuff.. we can’t all live as my luttle nursey brain wants to.. but I wanted to supply some tools.
I Can Speak To Obesity
Growing up, our K-12 household was about food. Food was an incentive, release, pastime, downtime, uptime, and trigger device. Our entire family was overweight. And it wasn’t about genetics. Our obesity was because of the choices that were made as to diet, consumption amount and a psychological approach to food.
We didn’t eat to live, we lived to eat.
By the time I was 17, doctors told my mother that her obesity was going to cause her to die. As a result, she checked herself into the Duke Diet & Fitness Center, in Durham, NC. The DFC is heralded as one of the world’s leading weight loss centers. The place is amazing because it has just as much to do with the mental and social aspect of food as it does with nutritional diet.
And Justin, one of the things you learn is that smart substitution and healthier stock purchases AREN’T ENOUGH. Calorie capping, daily exercise and lifestyle choice all have an impact in a healthy lifestyle. In fact, parents can feed their kids those healthy foods you outlined and they kids can still be obese. Food source selection is one piece of the puzzle.
We’ve all been to Europe, and have seen how the Europeans eat foods dripping with fat. But they’re all skinny. They walk 3 miles a day.
My firm belief, in also having gone through a personal, physical transformation, is that the “I don’t have any time” excuse is bogus. The most important thing is your health, and everyone has 30 minutes a day to work out, and 24 hours a day to make smarter eating choices. Like Justin wrote about life expectancy, everyone has 30 minutes a day to make healthy choices so that they can spend an extra 20 years on earth.
Over the years, as you guys have seen, my mother has managed to lose, and keep off, almost 200 pounds. Because of her success, and the volume of her speaking voice (loud!), my Mom has become a national resource for obesity. She’s done Oprah. Last year, when the government decided to consider Obesity as a Medicare condition, ABC Nightly News had my mom on interview.
Back to the purpose of the original post: self-image and pressure to actualize an acceptable appearance. I’m not a child psychologist, so I can’t offer anything worthwhile on your daughter, Teresa, sorry!
However, I’ve met some amazing people at the DFC; people entering the program weighing over 500 lbs. who only entered the program because of medical reasons. Nothing to do with appearance. Meanwhile, I see these gym rats with 2% body fat freaking out about missing a day at the gym. Diet and working out shouldn’t be about physical appearance, it should be about longevity, and the ability to still do things when we’re 90 years old.
Now sam, you get one..
Hear, Hear!
Ok Gentleman
But what about the other end of the spectrum?
Like I said my daughter and lots of other’s out there are no where near overweight, and at young ages seem to be heading for anexria or bulimia. Even before they have any sort of problem. Or before they should really be thinking about those sort of problems.
What do you do when you have a normal healthy child that believes that there self image can make or break them in life when they are just starting out?
What do you do when you look at your child and you see them 6 years down the road at 14! lying in a hospital because they felt pressured into being anything other than a kid.
Now I do agree with you that you should make those things part of the healthy lifestyle. You should be careful of your weight for health reasons. But I know that last year we were all concerned of the image that stars like Britney Spears and others were making on our 14 year old daughter’s. I just never believed that it would happen to my 8 years old.
EDIT by matthew: Please use line breaks (double-carriage-returns) to break up your paragraphs; “walls of text” are tough to read 🙂
Assess and implement..
Those are really valid concerns Teresa.
First, make sure that from an objective standpoint she is the weight she should be. That she is “normal” and “healthy”
http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhanes/growthcharts/set1clinical/cj41l026.pdf This will tell you the appropriate weight for height for girls
http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhanes/growthcharts/set1clinical/cj41l022.pdf this will tell you the approprate weight (and height) for Age for girls.
http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/about/major/nhanes/growthcharts/clinical_charts.htm#Clin%201 has lots more charts.
(Matt, you can link these and delete this sentence if you prefer)
You want to be as close to the 50th percentile as possible.
If you are correct that she is too thin or not thin enough, then you can increase her calories, protien and healthy fats like olive oil.
As for body image, if she is overweight then she needs to know she should lose weight. If she is the right weight, then tell her so. Kids are smart.. show her the charts either way and say..(for instance) “Look, this chart here shows you you are the perfect weight for your height and age.”
Now either way, let her know she is beautiful and unconditionally loved. Anorexia is really more of a function of trying to have control, and having a distorted body image. 8 is a good age to set a goal weight range based on facts and driving for it. Teach not to go too far in either direction, but to know where you should be and be there.
In the future, you will have established that looking at your weight and health by referencing facts and dricing toward a healthy weight is important. That way you can know if you are too thin or too chubby based on things more objective than either “oh, you’re fine” or “I want to look like Britney”.
If your daughter is no where near overweight, you can show her.. “Look, you’re not.” and if she is you can say “Look, honey, this is where we’re going to drive”
Thanks for the reference poin
Thanks for the reference points.
Teresa..
Of course..
And welcome aboard. I know at first it seems a little like arguing, but its kind of what we do here. We honestly and soemtimes frankly explore others opinions (and our own), and by doing so, i have often come to better conclusions in my own life.
So welcome to your first real Barnson debate, and you did well and made soem good points!!
Not what others think:
Age eight is the perfect time to teach our daughters that our self image should not be what others think. I’m not going to go die my hair blonde because the kids at school think that’s the prettiest hair color.
We should teach our daughters to decide who they are without worldly influences. Help them discover their own talents. Help think realize they are unique and special because of those talents. We should help them learn to make responsibile decisions and let them be in charge of decisions they can make safely, allowing them to build self confidence.
Last year I really had a hard time with my daughter being bullied at school. Once I let her know she didn’t have to put up with it, she was fine. She had my permission to do whatever it took to be in control of the situation, rather than being worried about how everyone else felt. I gave her a freedom and she ran with it. Nothing major came of it, but it helped her self confidence greatly. She likes to be in control and make her own decisions.
If we don’t create our own self image, then we’re just trying to be who everybody else wants us to be and we’ll get no where in life. Doesn’t matter if we’re 8 or 30. —
Christy
Now Christy gets one..
Hear Hear!!
I know, you’re screaming, “WHAT??!! He was just saying losing weight is a good idea!”
Well, as a former “picked on” guy, I can tell ya, it was awful trying to be what everybody wanted me to be, and ultimately i realized i was going to be unsuccessful at it anyway.
Healthy choices are ones made for ones well being, and not because of pressure to look a certain way. I applaud you Christy (and I’ve seen this woman in full Mom mode action now.. she’s AWESOME!) for allowing your kids to do what it takes to deal with people who are trying to tease them. Its a good lesson that will make your daughter a better student, a better employee, a better wife, a better mother, and a better person.
Whoa
Justin and Sam, I think you guys are totally missing the point. This story is not about childhood obesity, it’s about self-image and the standards of “beauty” creeping into social culture younger and younger.
I’m all for teaching kids from the youngest age how to eat well and take care of themselves. After all, this was not the case in my house, and it’s why I still struggle with my weight today. But Teresa said that her daughter is not overweight, but is rather approaching a growth spurt (it’s perfectly natural for a child to put on extra weight before shooting up in height).
What is truly shocking about this story is that at eight years old, a girl should even be concerned about her weight, not from a health point of view, but rather from the point of view of social acceptance. While it’s important to teach our kids how to be healthy, it’s equally important to teach them that kids come naturally in all sorts of different shapes and sizes, and that it’s perfectly ok to be different. Health concerns aside, some kids will be heavier than others, due to growth spurts or baby fat or genetics. And it’s important not to teach our kids that that makes them “bad”, or that they’ll be ostracized if they put on a few pounds. Kids have enough social pressure as it is without turning them into anorexics.
— Ben Schuman Mad, Mad Tenor
Hence, my comment
Quoting myself earlier:
“Back to the purpose of the original post: self-image and pressure to actualize an acceptable appearance. I’m not a child psychologist, so I can’t offer anything worthwhile on your daughter, Teresa, sorry!”
skimming
You expect me to read every word? Gimme a break!
😉
— Ben Schuman Mad, Mad Tenor
Ben, I agree with you! Hence
Ben, I agree with you! Hence:
“Healthy choices are ones made for ones well being, and not because of pressure to look a certain way. I applaud you Christy (and I’ve seen this woman in full Mom mode action now.. she’s AWESOME!) for allowing your kids to do what it takes to deal with people who are trying to tease them. Its a good lesson that will make your daughter a better student, a better employee, a better wife, a better mother, and a better person.”
If she is the right weight, then tell her so. Kids are smart.. show her the charts either way and say..(for instance) “Look, this chart here shows you you are the perfect weight for your height and age.
Now either way, let her know she is beautiful and unconditionally loved.
That way you can know if you are too thin or too chubby based on things more objective than either “oh, you’re fine” or “I want to look like Britney”.
BUT: I’ve also seen too many kids who have been told its fine to be how they are.. (I was a fat kid who didn’t know it at one point), and it suddenly becomes a major problem for them as adults. Maslow is my man here.. physical well being first, then emotional.
Me 2
Im anexria. I always look in the mirror and see a fat ugly girl Iknow how people feel when there Anexria you want to eat but you think about peer pressure. I DONT EAT A LUNCH NEVA OLNY GUM WATER 2 FRIES. Be heathly exrise lose weight the right way.:)